Jealous of Pretty Women? Turn Your Envy into Inspiration

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Editor’s note:  This article has been among the most popular on First Ourselves. Listen to this special message on working with the energy of jealousy to foster growth, peace and freedom.

An audio message from Karly, 2 April 2010. 13:14 minutes.
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There can be a snide competition between women, where we allow other women to be beautiful …. to a point. Other women can be pretty, as long as they’re not too pretty. A woman can be beautiful, but if she’s also smart, organized, and a great mom? Forget it. We gossip about her and secretly love seeing her slip up. We alternate between wanting to be her and, well, hating her.

I remember a friend from college, a heartbreakingly beautiful girl who incited much envy from other girls. (I will be flat out honest and share how intimidated I was of her when we first met!) Her crime? She let her beauty shine:  she wore make-up, curled her hair and dressed stylishly. When girls spoke about her beauty behind her back, they would whisper, “But she wears a lot of make-up,” as if that could explain away her beauty.

This competitive drive, this need to label – am I beautiful? am I pretty? how pretty? where do I fall in the beauty spectrum? – keeps us from honoring our unique beauty. It squelches our individuality. Instead of enjoying our beauty, and trying to be our best selves, we act like junior high girls who all have to dress alike, talk alike, and look alike. Jealousy at work.

If we believe that we are in a giant, cosmic beauty pageant with other women, that other women’s beauty somehow diminishes our own, or if we are addicted to being the prettiest woman in the room, we will never feel good enough. Instead of befriending other women, or celebrating their gifts, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down. Instead of befriending ourselves, and our own bodies, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down.

I think of how I’ve spent much of my life trying to be someone other than me. Or, a better, improved version of me. Celebrate my gifts? My unique beauty, body, personality? No. When I was a teenager, with a boy’s body, I wanted breasts and hips and thighs like my friends. When I was a curvy new mother – with breasts and hips and thighs – I wanted to be like that young teenager. When I moved to Montana, I tried to show that, yes, I’m a part of the club:  I like the outdoors and camping and clogs. I dutifully traded my skirts and make-up for jeans and a parka.

The truth is I don’t like camping. I’d much rather wear a skirt and heels than jeans and clogs any day. I am emotional and tenderhearted and sensitive. This is me. This is who I am. All of my efforts to be more like everybody else only left me unhappy and lost. The truth is that I don’t fit in….when I’m trying to be someone other than myself.

I read this statement in Eat, Pray, Love last night:  “God dwells within you, as you.” I don’t have to change and be more like someone else to be okay. I am perfect … just as I am. I am beautiful …. just as I am. Inauthentic living – trying to be someone I’m not; trying to look like someone I’m not – and beauty are contradictory forces. I can’t be beautiful if I’m ashamed of who I am and what I like. I can’t be beautiful if I’m scrambling my energies trying to be more like my friends, my peers, or a model on a magazine. The most beautiful woman that I can be is … me.

As I free myself to be authentically, proudly me, I free other women. As I let my beauty shine, I open up a space for other women to shine. Sometimes, this means giving women permission to be drop dead beautiful – prettier than me – and to love them for it.

When we’re feeling jealous, we think someone else has something we don’t or can’t have. It can arise because we think beauty is a limited commodity – your beauty somehow takes away from my own, or vice versa. It becomes a scarce resource we fight over so we can get our “fair share.”

We can also feel jealous or criticize others when we’re living dishonestly. Instead of looking inside at how we compromise our integrity, we project these feelings onto others. Instead of feeling the regret or lack of authenticity, it’s much easier to feel jealous. It’s safe, because it can be all about someone else.

Last week, I met a friend for coffee. This is a woman with impeccable style. As long as I’ve known her, she’s looked like she stepped out of a magazine, even in her schleppiest clothes. It would be easy to envy her fantastic wardrobe, her great style, her trim body, her physical beauty. For years, I was envious – because she dressed like I wanted to dress … if I had the courage. Today, I admire her. I admire her courage to wear a skirt and knee high boots in the middle of a Montana winter - her authenticity – because it reminds me how much I love putting on a skirt and heels, and gives me the nudge forward to do so.

And yet the only way I could find that admiration was by – gulp – recognizing that the things she gave herself I didn’t allow myself to have.

Jealous feelings arise when we’re being inauthentic – silencing our style or our beauty, or, on a greater level, the very things that bring us happiness – and we see another woman who is expressing her style and beauty. We see her confidence in being true to herself and want the same for ourselves.  That woman pricks us, hooks us with envy, and brings that uncomfortable contrast to the surface. Jealousy.

Instead of using these feelings as cause to hate a pretty woman, or worse, to use them as ammunition to hate yourself for feeling jealous, I gently invite you to use that discomfort to unleash your true self. Use your envy like a pitchfork, to dig underneath whatever keeps you from being authentic and find that juicy, creative, beautiful manna that resides inside, just waiting to burst forth.  Jealousy is only a signpost, to guide you to a place where you feel lacking. Think about how you can fill that lack by being authentic to who you are, to your body, to your beauty, and then sharing that with the world.

Most importantly, forgive yourself for feeling jealous. It’s quite human, an attempt to protect ourselves from pain. In writing this article, and in honestly sharing how much I’ve felt jealous, I hope to normalize this emotion and talk about the elephant in the room – how much we can feel competitive towards each other.

Hopefully, as we meet our envy with kindness, we can soften it’s hold.

This is why this practice is important to me:  When we’re jealous of other women, when we’re competing with each other, we crumble the foundations of our very support. Women need each other. I’m reminded of this everyday, when a girlfriend or my mom or my aunt comes to my aid. While I adore my husband, and am bolstered by his support, it’s different. It is the women in my life who uphold me and understand my feminine journey.

And, likewise, I validate and support and uphold the women in my life, I increase the courage and strength of women everywhere, every time I let a beautiful woman be beautiful, a strong woman be strong, a pretty woman be pretty; every time I let me be me.

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About the Author:

Karly Randolph Pitman
Karly Randolph Pitman helps men & women heal the roots of disordered eating, food addiction, and sugar addiction through compassion and connection. Rather than learning strategies to control your weight, your addiction, or what you eat, Karly's "heart over binge" approach, growing human(kind)ness, heals the inner dynamics that drive the compulsion in the first place. Growing human(kind)ness arose out of Karly's personal 20 year struggle with multiple eating disorders, depression, and addiction. She speaks internationally, teaches weekly at growinghumankindness.com, and is the author of the best selling Overcoming Sugar Addiction, When Food is Your Mother, Overcoming Sugar Addiction for Life, The 30 Day Lift, and Heal Overeating: Untangled. Known for her compassion and insight, Karly's mission is to help others feel their belonging, know their goodness, and rest in love.

68 Comments

  1. Angel July 17, 2014 at 8:21 pm - Reply

    Some of the things I’m reading here make me really sad. Women will have supportive partners who tell them all the time they are beautiful and yet they will be feeling ugly. We need to ask ourselves why that is. My opinion is the media has gotten way out of control and society’s obsession with youth and beauty as well. In a world where no-one knows you by name, the only thing that counts is what you look like on the outside because that’s all most people who see you will ever get to know. Think of the people you see walking down the sidewalks of a big city: will you ever sit down and have scones and relate your life story and personal struggles and achievements with any of them? No. The days of village living where everyone knew you, your family and what ‘your special thing’ was, are over. And in such a cold world, men find it easy to take advantage of women. They’ll snag a pretty girl and to make themselves feel more alpha, they’ll act like they’re interested in any other girl but them. It always astonishes me how a man will have an affair or flirt with a woman who is much less attractive than his wife or girlfriend. What women need to do in those situations is turn tail and leave that a-hole to his fornicating ways. The bible tells us that even to look at a woman lustfully is adulterous. So all you women who are crying yourselves to sleep at night, don’t settle for a relationship with such a scoundrel; you deserve better. Your mind may have been f***ed up by his manipulation, but your heart knows it’s true. When you’re really loved, you feel it and your heart is at peace. There ARE men out there who don’t even THINK to look at another woman and for whom even the thought of being with someone else makes them sick. The brave woman is the one who goes looking for such a man and doesn’t quit until she finds him. I hope what I’ve said here has sunk in. Good luck and respect yourselves. <3

  2. Lisa May 22, 2014 at 2:11 am - Reply

    Dear Karly,

    I suffer from c-ptsd from childhood trauma, both parents abused me when young, then while growing up 3 of my 4 sisters took my boyfriends, even up to my late 20′s… this led to me seeing most beautiful woman wanting to steal my thunder… of jealous feelings creeping into and ruining any type of relationship I was in.

    Then there are the emotional responses. My heart starts to pound, I feel faint, even sick to my stomach. I feel threatened and this is partly from the ptsd (the pattern that my mind sees as a threat) .

    But that’s the illusion… It’s not women stealing my thunder or my boyfriends, it’s the jealous envy. The vibes you send to a partner are horrible and they just can’t deal with it… they leave, usually to someone else which leads to more self-loathing.

    The only thing that saved me was Gnosis intervention, it’s a practice of “knowing thyself” , to observe your own behavior and identify which ego (which are one of the 7) is feeding on it. And my behavior was what made my boyfriends leave, not other women.

    I’ve come a long way, now self-observing in my religious studies, and your article is one of the best articles I’ve ever read on this subject which is basically saying the same thing.

    I thank you so much for sharing it with me and the rest of the world !

    :) Lisa

  3. Kelly May 14, 2014 at 9:29 pm - Reply

    Okay, so I am a self-proclaimed “ugly” girl. I am over-weight and this is my fault. I know that. Let me say what is on my mind, and I’d love to hear any feedback that you all might have.

    Sometimes I just wish you slender, already pretty girls would just tone it down a bit. Like, could you not make sure everything about you is perfect when you go to the soccer game? I mean, can you just wear some shorts and a ponytail and go cheer on the team?

    As an ugly girl, I expect to be the ugliest anywhere I go. Especially dressy places like a nice restaurant, or church, or someplace where you are expected to look really nice. But I am absolutely shocked at how much effort goes in to the way you look at the grocery store, or the basketball game.

    I know it makes YOU feel better, and that you do it FOR YOU. But maybe – just maybe – could you just tone it down a little? Do you ever consider just being average looking sometimes so that those of us who do not have the time, money, or talent to put makeup, jewelry, the perfect outfit, the perfect shoes on…..can just feel a little better about ourselves?

    I know it’s MY problem – but man, oh man do I wish you already beautiful women would just help me catch up a little.

    • Karly Randolph Pitman
      Karly Randolph Pitman May 15, 2014 at 1:32 am - Reply

      Dear Kelly,

      I want to thank you for your honesty and courage in sharing your experience with me, and with everyone here. Your comment is one of the most vulnerable, true, real and poignant that I’ve read in 9 years of writing and teaching. Your comment here especially made me pause:

      As an ugly girl, I expect to be the ugliest anywhere I go.

      I paused and thought about that – what would it feel like to feel like the ugliest person in a room? To long to be as pretty as others? I take it for granted that I can clean myself up and feel pretty; what if I never felt that way? What if I always felt uglier than others? What would that feel like?

      I think about situations that intimidate me – where I feel physically less than others – and how that effects my sense of self. It’s so vulnerable, and often feels like junior high all over again. I feel small, sometimes invisible, less confident. Ouch, it hurts.

      And yes, I’ve been that girl that always wants to feel pretty. I hadn’t thought about how this might make others feel.

      Thank you for giving me much food for thought, and for allowing me the opportunity to sense what life is like in your shoes.

      As I read your words, what comes to me is this: what if we, as women, shared more about the pain of feeling ugly, physically less than others, as well as the pain that arises from needing to feel like the prettiest? What if this is where we can find connection – knowing we all share this tender humanity? What would it be like if we could share those moments with each other?

      The question for myself is this: what would it be like to not always feel like I have to present my most beautiful self to the world?

      Thank you for this food for thought, Kelly.

      Lastly, I don’t think being overweight is your fault. There are so many factors that lead to weight gain, and often, pain that simply became too much to bear. I trust you’ve done the best you could with what you’ve had – in fact, you sound like an amazing, strong woman. Who is to say if me or anyone else had been in your shoes – and had your life experiences – that we would be any different?

      In love and care, Karly

  4. Ellie December 5, 2013 at 11:22 pm - Reply

    I am reading your words. They are not getting through to me. The rationalist in me wants to hear from people who were cripplingly jealous but who got over it. For me, the thought of accepting my jealousy to overcome it is impossible. The pain I am feeling is full on scale 10. Would scale 9 or 7 be much better? I want to get rid of it completely. Now.

    I am jealous. It hurts constantly. I am jealous of all other attractive women. I avoid life because of it. It impairs my child's and my husband's life. Even my dog's.

    I am in therapy. It is not helping, or very slowly.

    Life is short. Please help me.

    • CJ March 28, 2014 at 2:17 am - Reply

      I think I know what you mean. Have suffered this feeling for over 40 years now, and I wish I could get over it. It does hurt, and it’s easy to believe I haven’t gotten what I want in life because I’m not pretty enough.

      • Karly Randolph Pitman
        Karly Randolph Pitman April 6, 2014 at 4:40 am - Reply

        CJ,

        For women, so much of our value has been placed upon our beauty and appearance – it is a deep wound for so many. Even women who we’d think of as “beautiful” – and who we may think don’t suffer from this same insecurity and lack of belonging – suffer the same pain.

        Every one wants to feel seen, heard, to be noticed, to be loved. It is an intrinsic human need. When we don’t feel this belonging, it’s easy to make the body the target, the primary way this longing shows up. I think the desire to feel beautiful goes way beyond our physical appearance, even though that is certainly a part of it. We long for our soul, our being, to feel beautiful, and for this beauty to be witnessed by another.

        You may also like this post here, where I speak on the body image topic:

        http://growinghumankindness.com/detaching-from-self-image/

        This fall I’ll be teaching a new class, I Will Not Make War Against My Own Body, that will explore how to heal our relationship with our bodies in greater depth. You can sign up for my newsletter to stay abreast of its release.

        In love and care, Karly

  5. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman October 22, 2013 at 4:59 pm - Reply

    Oh Eve,

    That is such a tender space – to feel laughed at by others, to feel like others are rubbing it in your faces, to feel pitied… I wouldn't want friends like that, either. I can imagine how painful this is for you.

    It sounds like you're needing to feel valued and appreciated for who you are, no matter your relationship status – and to feel the love and connection you so desire. Of course. I want that for you, and for everyone.

    Jealousy is one of the most challenging emotions for me to feel, so I've spent a lot of time trying to understand how I can be with my jealousy and not make myself wrong or bad for feeling it. That was one of my intentions in writing this article – to create a healing space around jealousy. Please take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't!

    In love and care, Karly

  6. Eve October 22, 2013 at 10:39 am - Reply

    That's all very well if you're married. But what if you're an old maid, like my friends and I? And you're surrounded by perfect Asian women attached to all the men in the country, and there's a man drought? Are we meant to love and emulate Asian women, now? They'd probably laugh at us old maids, start massaging and kissing their boyfriends/husbands in public, and looks straight at us, as if to say, "You're a loser!" Who wants friends like that, that are constantly rubbing it on our faces that we can't get a man? I'd rather have no female friends at all! It's like, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"

  7. Laurel September 3, 2013 at 7:20 am - Reply

    Amazing advice. I have always felt jealous of other people who are good looking. Men and women. Don't know the reason behind it, but it just happened. I try to find ways to avoid such people.

  8. Bridget Craven Lee June 23, 2013 at 7:16 pm - Reply

    It always amazes me how petty women can be over genetics. Women can NOT control how they look any more than a tall good looking man can control his looks.

  9. Tara June 2, 2013 at 5:04 pm - Reply

    Thank you for this post- unlike other websites, you actually come at this issue from a hopeful standpoint- I love the part about being our authentic self and when were jealous- have that aid us closer to authenticity. Jealousy is very difficult because it causes a paranoia for me and a rift in marriage and friendships. Your so right about not only being jealous but than not liking ourselves for being jealous- it makes one feel more less than. I really want to stop this mentality not only for me- but so my husband doesn't feel uncomfortable with my insecurity. I want to be at peace and create an environment of peace for my family.

  10. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman May 31, 2013 at 6:22 am - Reply

    Hi dear Mary,

    Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing here. I’ve had that jealousy spring up in relationships, too, and it can be so uncomfortable – a deep ouch. It’s a very tender place, isn’t it?

    Then we don’t like ourselves for being jealous – and we’ve got two feelings to deal with – our jealousy and our aversion/dislike of ourselves for being jealous in the first place.

    So the first step is allowing the jealousy to be there without judging it. I like to say, “There, there jealousy. Or I see you jealousy.”

    This gives us a little space to step back from the jealousy. We don’t feel so much that we “are” the jealousy, and with this space we can befriend it, and see what it’s feeling, believing, needing.

    You may ask your jealousy, “Sweetheart, what are you needing?”

    When I ask myself this question, often I find I need gentleness, forgiveness, understanding – some quality of love.

    Another powerful question is to ask your jealousy, “What are you believing to be true?” Then I find that my jealousy will say things like “I’m not enough” or “I have to be perfect or the best to be loveable.”

    It often taps into this deep fear that I’m alone and unsupported – that others receive love or belonging and I don’t – as if I’m outside the circle of love.

    Physically, this feeling is a hollow in the belly and a flutter of anxiety in my whole gut. It’s waves of clenching and spasming.

    Then my jealousy may turn into a prayer – “Please love me.” A calling on love.

    I’m curious – what arises for you when you befriend your jealousy?

    In love and care, Karly

  11. Mary mary quite contrary May 28, 2013 at 1:50 am - Reply

    It was a very inspiring article to read, so much so, that I feel the need to leave a reply, which I normally never do. For many years I have been battling with my demons, mostly that being my jealousy. However, my jealousy only really emerges or is at its peek, when I am involved with a man. It has now got so bad that I am jealous of my sister-in-law! I feel so ridiculous for it!!! She is an exceptionally beautiful looking woman, even though she is married to my brother, I still feel insecure when I bring a boyfriend home, and she is there. Although she would never do anything or act inappropiately in front of any of my boyfriends I bring back, I can still feel so much less attractive around her when I am with a man. I hate this feeling,and it really does inhibit a more fulfilling relationship with my sister-in-law. It’s sad becase there is always an awkwardness betwen us, because of my lack of self-confidence and lacking of being able to see and love my own beauty than I may possess. I just truly want to overcome these feelings and insercurities. I just wish I knew a way out! :(

  12. Michelle April 30, 2013 at 1:48 pm - Reply

    Thank you so much for this article. This is absolutely amazing to read and I cannot express how grateful I am. For so long I've hurt myself with my own jealousy and am so focused on appearances that I become kind of nuts. But this article, gosh, this article just makes it slightly easier to look at jealousy in a different way, and it's such a beautiful way to look at it.

    I've already stopped putting on makeup in an effort to quit feeling like I put on a mask every single day (and always checking in the bathroom if my hair/face/makeup is perfect). It's still all a bit scary at the moment, but I can't bloody wait to be free of this bondage of insecurity.

    Bless you for this article xx

  13. Mona March 21, 2013 at 11:56 pm - Reply

    Wow. I have been reading these comments by you ladies. I can’t believe how many women are jelaous and insecure. I thought I was the only one. I have been through some very hard times in my life lately, so being pretty means nothing to me. People have told me how pretty I am, but I don’t feel it. I think I am ugly. I think I am unusual, I get so insecure. I look in a mirror and sometimes I see what they see, but only for a moment. I get so down when I see other pretty girls. I automatically think they are going to steal my man. I think they plan on flirting with him. I did cross paths with women like that in my past, so I don’t trust no woman, even if she is not all that. Some I do trust,but after I’ve known them for a while. My man tells me how lucky he is to be with me, and I don’t get it. I think I’m a failure and will never meassure up. Sometimes I feel confident in myself and pretty until some other some what attractive (at least)woman turns up and I feel like an ugly duckling compared to her. I don’t know whats wrong with me,people say I am beautiful,smart and funny and so lucky to have it all,but I feel like I got nothing.Why?? Why can’t I see what they see?
    I have ben going to the gym and lost the extra weight,toned up and looking better than ever, but I still feel the same. I now see other things,like wrinkles which make me feel ugly. I seem to be over crytical of myself. I only see my flaws and imperfections,not anything else and its magnified. My friends can’t believe I complain about wrinkles, they reckon I got none and look extremely young. I’m so messed up.

  14. Darlene March 9, 2013 at 6:02 pm - Reply

    It’s got a lot to do with the bombardment of media for us women, I think. Even as a little girl, I was shown pictures in fairy tales of women with delicate features, slender bodies, full, high breasts and long, flowing hair that married handsome princes. Hollywood glamorizes this same look – much of it achieved through plastic surgery,professional makeup artists,stylists, and personal trainers-, and the message from when we are young is loud and clear.. You don’t look good the way you are.You should look like her.
    I’d be a lier if I told you I haven’t been affected, and have never bad mouthed a woman i perceived as prettier to make myself feel better. On the flip side, as an attractive woman, I too have been mistreated, and am wary of women in general for that reason. It’s a shame, but it seems to be part of our programming.
    These days I just try to look good for me. I eat right, exercise,take care of my health, hygiene, and skin. I dress in ways that make me feel beautiful.I have a career I love, and a man who loves me for me. I think that once the pieces fall into place in your life, you feel better about yourself, and there is no more need to put others down!

  15. Jessica March 8, 2013 at 8:09 pm - Reply

    Oh and I also like to know you guys opinion of him just to know how others see him not just me…. I forgot to write that he thinks looking at other women is cheating or "eye-cheating" … Idk bout that the point to me is to know if he likes them or not…. He also wonders if I find other guys attractive cuz he can't do that himself to other girls….. He sees me as this very "gorgeous beautiful girl" but then again he doesn't want to admit that there will always be someone else better than me!!! I'm just saying that if he can find me attractive, he can find other people att. Too!!! I wish I could believe him but I just don't cuz I think that's impossible!!!…. I mean I don't want him to fall out of love with me cuz of me nagging him!!! Idk what to do….

  16. Jessica March 8, 2013 at 12:57 pm - Reply

    I’m in the same ” boat as all of you guys here!! I envy or get Jelous at pretty girls everywhere I go!! Dammit! Can’t escape it!! It’s really killing me so I stay home as much as I can because I don’t want to break down in front of people even tough I had before! I just wish I could kill them or something! That’s how much hate I have towards them! I just wish I wasn’t even born !!!
    I have a bf , apparently, and ever since the beginning he has been supporting me, been there for me, n I still keep arguing with him if he likes them or not… I would always accuse him of looking but he would say” I didnt even look at no one I was focused on you….. No I don’t like them” stuff like that! I never believed him, sadly! He tells me he only finds me attractive n only me!!! Really?! Who would believe that?! I used to say that is BS!! No guy can only find one girl attractive/ pretty!! Or can they?! I feel bad cuz he used to hurt himself cuz I didn’t believe him or he hasn’t done anything to show me the truth!! I always get like this even when I’m not with him!! Wtf! I tell him don’t you like stupid models?! He’s like “no” I only find you attractive! Who else believes that huh?!!!! He sees me as the most prettiest girl he thinks Im amazing both outside and inside! He also says ” i dont need to look no where else cuz i already have the one i truly want and desire” I think I’m ugly!!! I wonder if that’s the true…!! I wonder if he’s telling me he doesn’t like them just so I wouldn’t be hurt or cuz it’s just the truth!! Ill never know but then again his friends know him n they think he’s trustworthy, honest…. They even call him an angel from God…. I mean I think he was meant to be a priest cuz his just really that kind hearted!!! But he wants to marry me… Wow n his barely 17 n I’m 18…

  17. s March 7, 2013 at 5:48 pm - Reply

    Beautifully Written!

  18. Noreen January 16, 2013 at 4:12 am - Reply

    Thank you! EXACTLY that. People tell me all the time, as if I'm a moron, that I'm "nice", I'm "unique". The hell does that mean???? NICE?! That doesn't even mean ANYTHING by standards of acceptance or desirability!I don't usually talk like this, but I'm actually defined as having dwarfism at 4'9, and NO ONE has EVER given me a second glance out of positive interest. "Be yourself", they say. "Love yourself", they say. Gee, thanks jack ass with the unsolicited advice, I didn't even mention not liking myself, what gave you the grand conclusion I needed that? The fact I'm ALONE EVERYDAY AT MY LUNCH TABLE?!

  19. dani January 6, 2013 at 12:29 am - Reply

    Your voice is very sexy, I hope your looks also sexy, you should have it.

  20. Krista December 24, 2012 at 3:33 pm - Reply

    I have been looking for some kind of insight on jealousy, as I recently acquired my first relationship and have unexpectedly become that typical jealous girl. All I’ve been able to find until this webpage has been about “being happy with who you are.” I understand the concept and why it’s important, but I felt like it was an empty phrase you hear all the time. For me, something was missing. Hearing the sound clip on this page was exactly what I needed to get the right perspective. Of course it’s important to be happy with who you are, but I never realized I first need to ALLOW myself to be who I am. I’ve always been squeamish when conversations about female aspects of life come up (menstrual cycle, pregnancy, etc.) even if it’s only between women, and I think it’s a good indicator of how I hide a whole part of myself away. I don’t even feel comfortable calling myself a woman! I realize I need to see the light in others and embrace it, understand it, so I may become comfortable with my whole self. This is so beautiful. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.

  21. Veronika December 8, 2012 at 2:09 am - Reply

    Id like to talk to you, I feel the same way!

  22. Marie November 13, 2012 at 9:19 pm - Reply

    I started dealing w/ jealousy in my 1st marriage it was off the charts. I had since remarried & my husband tells me all i want to hear & is a wonderful supporter. if something on tv makes me uncomfortable he changes the channel. if were out & I spot a threat he agrees to leave or better. i can go on & on & i do agree w/ everyone here. i want freedom. the truth of the matter is my husband is losing out on life. he doesn’t even watch all of the football games because of the cheer leaders …what?? they are shown for a minute at the most & i cant handle it? lol i cant believe myself. i have for the most part my jealousy under control i learned how to control my comments toward my husband. I miss out on life cause instead of going to the candle party Thursday nite im gonna stay home because its football night & Carls Jr. has those stupid ads!!! & i feel like i have to monitor his tv viewing. i would love to know what he does when im not around. lol i know for a fact he aint changing the channel saying oh Marie wont approve of this LOL. anyways this site is awesome & when i see a pretty woman Im gonna try my best to say “let her be beautiful”. i just gotta get it in my head that my husband is truly head over heals for me!!!!

  23. T October 23, 2012 at 3:40 am - Reply

    I feel the same way! More so when I was young, I got stared at by men a lot and glared at by women. Nowadays, it's usually when I actually wear makeup and nice clothes. But whenever I have gotten glares by other women, I have always felt like I was doing something wrong and it gave me anxiety. To this day, I'm very nervous to dress up b/c I feel like it is making somebody else uncomfortable….women uncomfortable. As a result of other women not being able to control their insecurities, it has made me dislike a lot of females.

    It also drives me nuts when I see females who are gorgeous and they flaunt it and act all flirty. There is a difference between showing your light and acting like an attention grabber. So hard to find good chicks to hang with, when there are so many games out there….so much competition and so many insecurities.

    I wish that we saw each other as friends not enemies.

  24. Nalisha August 29, 2012 at 12:23 am - Reply

    When i walk down the street i get stares from men and from women. I know I am beautiful. Women would sometimes give me very nasty stares. I use to have very low self-esteem but if they staring me down like that it must be something about me that they like. I am the jealous type too. I dont like seeing pretty females. I like to be the center of attention. I dress revealing, and like when guys stare at me and try to get my number. I love my figure. I dont think I can get over my jealous feelings that I have for females. I have been to therapy and everything. and nothing works. Females annoy me, and im always moody.

  25. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly July 26, 2012 at 11:58 pm - Reply

    I'm so glad this was helpful for you, Renee.

    Warmly, Karly

  26. Anonymous July 5, 2012 at 8:51 pm - Reply

    This was a timely message for me. Thank you for sharing this – I neededthis message.

  27. Jenny July 2, 2012 at 11:30 am - Reply

    I think the most important thing to remember is that all of the celebrities has TEAMS of stylists working on them for hours. The stars don't even really look "like themselves!" go to google and do an image search for celebrities without makeup. You'll be shocked! And if your significant other is the type to always lust after the stars show him what they look like without makeup! A lot of men dont realize what a bunch of bs the whole thing is. Men need to be better educated about representations of women in the media.

    And next time you feel bad about the way you look or anything else, hre's a saying to keep in mind: we weren't created to be all alike, we were created to be ourselves – to fill a place that no one else can fill.

  28. Sue June 26, 2012 at 2:49 pm - Reply

    I also have been dealing with this issue here lately. I have aways been the jealous type. These past few weeks it has really gotten ahold of me. I learned after almost twenty years of my husband working without a secretary that they would be looking into hiring one. He also has a new site that he has to visit and that would be the public swimming pool. Imagine a mans dream to be able to work at a pool surrounded by beautiful and young fit women. I have now started to work out and top of all that tried cutting for the first time. My intentions are not to commit suicide but to relieve pressure. I used to think why do these kids do that. The truth is at that moment it doesn’t hurt as much as your heart. I am tired of always comparing myself to others. I want to be happy again so my husband doesn’t have to walk around on eggshells. I too am happy I found this website. I want to stop noticing pretty people who in turn make it hard for me to live. I know pretty is around. I know I am not beauty pagent material, but why do men have to make it such a big deal. With their googoo gaagaa eyes. Even when I do get recognized I feel uncomfortable, because I attract what I don’t find “my husband material”. Thank you again and I will be listening to your video.

  29. Kendra June 15, 2012 at 8:46 pm - Reply

    I have been struggling with being jealous of other womens beauty for a long time now. It is to the point where i hate myself for not being as beautiful as there are and i know i am not cause i really dont get guys lusting or chasing after me. So i am learning to deal with my issues and know that I will be disappointed when it comes to a man cause i am not very fortunate in the looks.

  30. adrienne April 28, 2012 at 1:13 am - Reply

    i know how you feel i get told i am pretty, beautiful and other stuff but when i see a pretty girl i look right at my boyfriend to see if he looks at her then i think well wonder what he is thinking about or what does she have that i dont. I am killing my soul everyday and i wish i knew how to get over it and start beliving what i am told.

  31. Emily November 9, 2011 at 6:58 pm - Reply

    I feel the EXACT same way. Wish we could somehow be a support system for each other…

    Last night my man told me that he really wants to not be attracted to other women but he CANT HELP IT.

    That hurts so much. I feel like I will never be able to truly be in love with him when I know he thinks of other women when we have sex. I dont even think I will ever get married because I dont want to be 'trapped' in a marriage with a MAN whose thoughts and lustfulness DISGUSTS me.

    Hes such a great guy otherwise, he treats me good and I know he wouldnt be unfaithful….But just the fact that I know I am not the only women he finds attractive eats me alive and I dont want to be this way either…I just cant help it like he cant help it….

    F#@$ !!!

  32. Elizar August 28, 2011 at 12:44 am - Reply

    And karly you have the sexiest voice!

  33. Elizar August 28, 2011 at 12:42 am - Reply

    I pray to god to make theese negative feelings go away. But nothing changes. Dont know how much longer i can take it.

  34. Elizar August 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm - Reply

    I’m going to sound soo rotten and full of myself right now and im sorry! But alot of people i meet in my life do say im beautiful or stunning. But for some reason I feel average or ugly. I see theese pretty women in the media like katy perry, megan fox and cheryl cole. Women who men seem to be obsessed with and im thinking is this what men expect from me now? for me to look completely polished and glammed up every single day. With the flat toned six pack, professional amazing makeup and the full collagen lips. It has put me off men for life!!! How can i be this perfect woman every single day? I just cant be that person. My boyfriend says im beautiful and so do his friends and family, but yet he still fancies female celebs who aren’t even that great looking. Aren’t i enough for him? I feel so depressed. It feels like men just cant be satisfied with one woman no matter how gorgeous or kind she is. I used to admire beautiful women, but now i feel ill just thinking about seeing one. My heart falls to my stomach when im with my partner and i see a pretty girl walking by or on TV. I dont feel good enough for anybody. I feel like a failure. I want to look like someone else all the time. Im becoming obsessed.

  35. Marty June 24, 2011 at 5:44 am - Reply

    I agree that we should never use our jealousy to tear other women down. I am jealous of beautiful women nearly every hour of my life, but I make sure to say three positive thoughts to them for every negative one, and never let myself speak about their physical appearance in anything but positive tones.

    But I don't really buy that we can somehow use our jealousy to get to the "beautiful" creative woman within. Sometimes… people really are ugly. And ugly people are treated differently than pretty people. So what if I think I'm beautiful… no body else does. If I lived alone by myself on a desert island, that'd be fine, but I have to interact and live among people who treat me differently based on how I look, and treat OTHER women differently based on how THEY look.

    How could I not be jealous?

  36. AJ April 24, 2011 at 9:43 pm - Reply

    I like some pretty girls. Some pretty girls I can’t stand. Sometimes I think it has to do with how the girl treats me.

    Some pretty girls are down to earth and fun. They have personalities and are willing to treat you with respect, and value your opinion. While I might be intimidated with these women, eventually I get past that to see who they really are.
    Some pretty girls are jerks! They act like the world revolves around them and all shall bow to their fantastic-ness. Those are the pretty girls I can’t stand.

    Sometimes, when I am looking deep within, I am jealous because I have “let myself go” since I have been married. I no longer spend $200 on getting my hair styled every 8-10 weeks. I no longer get my nails done once a month, and I have gained some weight. I no longer spend an hour getting ready in the morning and I wear whatever is clean. I regret some of my decisions and I wish I would have at least watched my weight a little better. Maybe I am jealous of the pretty girls because they are what I used to be… as if I let myself slip away… Now I am older (35) , and feel like I wasted some of the best years of my life in a body that was to heavy for me. *pours out heart*

    There is one women in particular I am very jealous of and I have no reason to be. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. She is single. But she is more beautiful on her ugly day than I was on my beautiful days. She walks in the room and the room stops to admire her beauty. She has amazing fashion sense, and wears brand new clothes every week. Co-workers rearrange schedules so they can work with her rather than me, even though I am more experienced and a better worker.

    I just feel like I can’t measure up. Let’s face it, beauty is everything and if you don’t got it, you don’t have anything….

  37. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman February 25, 2011 at 8:50 am - Reply

    Thank you for your honesty.

    You may find this poem on being "pretty" powerful, by Kate Makkai at the national poetry slam:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0

  38. Alysia February 25, 2011 at 7:14 am - Reply

    I dont dislike pretty women, and have a lot of "pretty" friends. I dislike women that are pretty but quite boring and men can't see past their beauty to see how unappealing they are because of how pretty they look. If I see a pretty woman with a shining personality, I'm like ok I get it, she deserves anyone she wants. But sometimes you see some lame, fake people pleaser that gets tons of attention, and it just makes you hate the world for how blind and shallow people are. BTW i have rarely been the prettiest in the room, so if i got upset with anyone that was prettier than me it would be pretty ridiculous, I just dislike PRETTY WITH NO PERSONALITY.

  39. Nasa February 5, 2011 at 5:08 am - Reply

    I really enjoyed reading this article as well as listening to the audio message. Idk, maybe God lead me to this site or something as I was pondering over some things. EVERY woman who is honest with herself has, at some point, been jealous toward a woman and her unique beauty (whether physical, talents/gifts, career status, marital status, intelligence, and the list goes on) The key really is knowing what makes you beautiful, so you in turn allow other women to shine and be beautiful as what Karly said. I will definitely be passing this on!

  40. Kristan January 28, 2010 at 11:06 pm - Reply

    Exactly! This article has been extremely comforting to me, thank you so very much for your investment of time here.

    I have been wrestling with this very issue more often than usual lately and I have developed a bit of a formula that I say to myself that has proven very helpful. Here it goes: "She is a beautiful woman, and I am a beautiful woman. She has a different kind of beauty than I do, and I can admire, accept, and appreciate the difference in our beauty and in doing so, I am made that much more beautiful." That's a lot of words for all the pretty woman I encounter (!) but it has been a lifesaver emotionally for me.

  41. Katherine Barry October 23, 2009 at 8:38 pm - Reply

    This was very comforting to read. I really needed to feel at piece with my body and how I look these days. Thank you Karly for this article!

  42. Rachel October 20, 2009 at 3:10 pm - Reply

    I know that nothing we can say can change the way you feel, although I am sure you are beautiful, amazing, and "turn" many other guys' heads. It has to be you- a moment where YOU finally get it. I just wanted to share a thought that helped me with my jealousy. I realized that the more I PUSHED, TRIED, FOUGHT it, the worse it got. The more I just let it go, breathed, relaxed, released control, trusted, had faith…. the better it got.

  43. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman September 21, 2009 at 8:44 pm - Reply

    Wow, what an a-ha moment! Things are never as they seem. And even if that woman in line would have said, "I take really good care of myself," I think you would've been okay with that, too. I am so proud of you. You are an example for us all.

  44. Karmama September 20, 2009 at 6:39 pm - Reply

    Thanks for this. As I posted on another topic, I have been feeling jealousy toward other women my age (61) who were wiser than I and are still fit and trim and full of energy. I am filled with self loathing and regret about letting myself get so huge and out of shape. I don't harbor any ill will toward these other women, but I do beat myself up for what I have allowed to develop over the past 7 years.

  45. Liz April 21, 2009 at 1:18 pm - Reply

    I really struggle with this issue, and now that I’m in my late 40′s it seems to be worse. My husband works with a woman who is 14 years younger than me, a bit taller, a bit prettier and to top it off she flirts and talks dirty to the mostly male employees. I know he discourages her, but he also mentioned that in the beginning she ‘turned his head’.
    I can’t seem to accept the fact that he finds her attractive, even though I know he loves me very much and would never do anything to jeapordize our marriage. I’m also pretty, but it’s very hard to compete with someone like this. It’s also difficult knowing that they work very closely all day together and I see him for maybe a couple of hours a day. They have so much in common because work means a lot to him, and she is good at her job, etc.
    For some reason I always felt the need to be ‘the prettiest’. I hate that she talks to people around my husband in a suggestive way, and it makes me sick to think the guys eat it up, when to other women, it’s so transparent. When I e-mail him and he doesn’t answer because he’s working on something with ‘her’ it makes me mad. I try to tell myself that I have no control over the fact that they work together and he finds her physically attractive. I just keep driving myself crazy, and feel like I’m 14 instead of 47! I’ve been obsessing over her for 2 years now, and can’t seem to get past it.
    As a result I’m very moody and depressed. I’ve been seeing a therapist, but it hasn’t really helped with my natural jealousy.
    I hope some day that I can change my outlook. This article and posts make a lot of sense to me, but actually adopting them is harder to actually do.

  46. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman April 9, 2009 at 8:17 pm - Reply

    I hear that many of you feel jealous of other women because of your partner's reaction to them. For further reading on handling jealousy with relationships, here's a great article:
    http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/relothers_notea

  47. p April 7, 2009 at 12:49 pm - Reply

    This article was like a Godsend. I have just had a huge argument with my boyfriend of 2 years. Basically, I have always had self-image and body-image issues, and been perfectionistic to the point of self abuse. It’s the strangest thing, bc every bf I’ve ever had, including my current bf, has always loved the way I looked. I’ve never had issues with straying eyes or cheating mates. However, despite being with a guy that loves me and treats me wonderfully, I am convinced that I am not pretty enough or thin enough or perfect enough. I am paranoid about him encountering other women he thinks are attractive. Sometimes I feel so depressed about myself that I avoid mirrors. In my job, I am in front of the camera, I am judged on my looks, and whatnot. I am 100 lbs and 5’3″, but my dream weight is 10 lbs less and 4 inches taller. I can pick problems with every inch of my body other than my hair. It’s gotten to the point where when people stop me on the street and give me compliments, I try to smile and fake my acceptance of the compliment, but secretly I am thinking, “they’re just being nice” or “There is no way that what they’re saying is true”. I just cannot truly accept or believe compliments. My bf tells me I am beautiful, (he frequently tells me at random times he sees me – in the morning, on the car, late night walking the dogs), and that I am perfect for him like an beautiful and kind angel, I just can’t believe him. I know I am kind and I treat others well, but I think my appearance is my biggest downfall.
    I had a breaking point today, and basically broke down. After begging me to try to love myself and understand that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful, regardless of whether or not other women are pretty, I promised to try to change the way I view myself. I just don’t know how. I really didn’t. And I kept telling myself that I must be crazy, that other people don’t have issues like this.
    I am so thankful that this article was written. It was like you were speaking to me directly. It is wonderful motivation and points me in a good direction to start improving my self-esteem.

  48. Andrea April 5, 2009 at 1:36 pm - Reply

    Thats true.. but what happens when your boyfriend cant stop staring at her?
    should i let him look – because he is a man and thats what they do?
    or should i be thretend by her? perhaps im not good enough, and he wishes to be with a woman that looks like her..
    =[

  49. Angela_D March 23, 2009 at 1:48 pm - Reply

    saby-thanks for understanding! You need to start loving yourself more, in order to attract positive people in your life.
    Caitlyn- I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I am no expert, but I think that both you and your boyfriend have issues. As you admitted; you have self-esteem issues,it sounds to me like these self-esteem issues stem from the fact that you feel validated by how your boyfriend views you. If he feels turned off by you, then you feel as if you are not attractive enough for him. I’m sorry to say this but he is using manipulative techniques to kill your self-esteem so that you will never leave him. My ex boyfriend used to do the same to me. I used to have the lowest self-esteem of my life during the 7 months I was with him. Although, many other men would look at me, and compliment me, he would still make it sound as if I was nothing special. And he would also stare at every single woman that he’d see on the stret or anywhere else. Even if the woman wasn’t attractive, he’d still keep staring like a moron. I found myself getting paranoid and jealous over every woman, and then one day I realized that it wasn’t me, it was HIM!
    He is making you feel this way. From what you described, it seems like no woman would ever be enough for him, because he seems to be very insecure, and he is using you as a extension of himself, and not treating you with the love, respect and compassion that you deserve.
    I would suggest you have a very long talk with him, where you reevaluate your relationship. Tell him how you feel, and ask him why he doesn’t give you the respect you deserve. You need to set well-defined boundaries. For example: my husband knows that it’s ok to look at other beautiful women, but not gawk like a pervert. Boundaries must exist! If he’s not willing to cooperate, then he is not worth it, trust me hun!

  50. caitlyn March 22, 2009 at 3:56 pm - Reply

    I have gained some hope from reading these comments, but I am a kind of a basket case. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years and my self esteem is getting lower and lower. He has quite a few friends that are girls and one that he has slept with in the past (I feel like I never want to see what she looks like).
    A year ago I came across some porn and naked women in very suggestive poses in pictures or stripping in videos (he says he likes videos best) and have been freaking out since then. He now goes back and forth between feeling guilty about masterbating to women and then saying it is normal because he is a guy. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have messed everything up by not being comfortable with myself. I have a full on panic attack whenever I see a VHS in his player with “show girls” or when we hang out in his computer room. It feels like I have created a phobia and now I am just avoiding and crying.
    I have the hardest time accepting that he loves me the way I am and that the women he looks at aren’t a threat. I am always thinking about how he must not be satisfied with just me and he needs to look at other women to feel whole or something.
    When he wasn’t looking at any of it (right after I found pictures and videos and freaked) we didn’t have as much sex. He wasn’t as turned on and then I felt even worse about myself. He loses his sex drive when he isn’t looking at naked women besides me.
    I don’t want to feel depressed and inferior to these women anymore. I don’t want to be bitter and hate every women on TV, in movies, on the street, online, etc…
    I have become horrible and I am really scared of what people will think about me now…

  51. saby March 11, 2009 at 6:29 am - Reply

    angela, i understand you, i don't have many female friends either, and it sucks , i am a good girl ! it breaks my heart actually ! i always say, until a woman loves who she is on the inside, no amount of beauty can make her feel good about herself

  52. Angela_D March 3, 2009 at 11:46 am - Reply

    Great article, I agree with you! I commend you in the fact that you admit having felt envious/jealous of other women in the past. I think most women (including myself) have felt a sense of jealousy, as jealousy is a typical human trait. When I was 15-16, I was on the verge of becoming anorexic, because I felt I wasn’t thin enough (mind you I was 5’5″, and weighted under 100 lbs back then)but I still wanted to have the body of my younger sister. I was sick, and jealousy is a sickness as well. But like most diseases, it can be healed through prayer, emotional support and determination.
    Jealousy tends to stem from low self-esteem, and general internal dissatisfaction. Try using these negative feelings to your advantage, if you feel jealous towards a certain woman, then use that negative energy to hit the gym, or go for a run/walk. Also, if you don’t like the way you look, change your hairstyle, reinvent yourself. Before, I got married, I felt very sexy, and I would always get noticed by men in clubs or elsewhere. [I don't want to sound conceited] but I used to always turn heads. After I got married, I felt like some of sexiness had somehow disappeared, and I believe that was due to the fact that I didn’t care to go out much, and didn’t have anyone to impress lol. So, I started feeling unhappy, and I realized that my unhappiness was stemming from my low self-esteem, so I once again, started dressing up, applying make-up and overall take care of my appearance.
    Sorry for the book, but I really like this topic and I wanted to add a few more things. I have no problem admitting that a woman is beautiful, I have also told my husband that I don’t have an issue for him admitting that as well. We, as human beings love beauty and anything that looks of aesthetic value to the eye. However, I have issue having female friends, they seem to be jealous of me for some reason. I don’t consider myself as someone exceptionally amazing, I’m just me, I’m myself. Whereas, these women feel uncomfortable around me because of my education level, and overall level of knowledge, plus i suppose I’m not too shabby looking lol. I feel bad about making these women feel uncomfortable, but I am being myself, I cannot be someone else just because I make someone feel uncomfortable. I grew up surrounded by mostly men plus I work with mostly men, and I feel very comfortable talking to men, and women for some reason dislike me. Go figure!

  53. cathy March 2, 2009 at 4:55 am - Reply

    I like this article,it tells us not to be jealous,we should find ourselves,show the public which is the ture us

  54. Lynne Marie Garcia March 2, 2009 at 1:21 am - Reply

    All i know is I AM Beautiful…no matter what they say.

  55. CAnon March 1, 2009 at 11:11 pm - Reply

    What if your husband/boyfriend always look at the 'prettier' woman and treats you like you dont measure up!

  56. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman March 1, 2009 at 5:50 pm - Reply

    Interesting comment. I know men like pretty women. Even my husband, who does treat me like I measure up, acknowledges that he admires other pretty women besides myself. At first, I was stung by this. Then I realized, why not? His acknowledgment of another woman’s beauty does nothing to detract from his love for me, nor his appreciation of my unique beauty.
    And that’s the key for me — to see the beauty in someone else without feeling diminished by it. One thing that helps me is complimenting other women very freely and appreciating their beauty. I find this helps me for those times when I’m feeling envious. After all, acknowledging another woman’s beauty does nothing to detract from my own. It’s only my need to compete that thinks another woman’s beauty takes something away from me.
    That being said, there is a big difference between appreciating beauty and treating someone you love as “less than” after comparing them to another. Comparisons are cruel. Period. To everyone involved. I don’t condone that kind of behavior whatsoever.
    Any other thoughts on this matter, readers?

  57. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman February 8, 2009 at 2:39 am - Reply

    I understand your struggle. I went to a private university where I was surrounded by beautiful, accomplished women. Most of us were also a little weight obsessed, too! So it was a challenging environment for me, and for every woman who attended there — even the ones who you think don't struggle.
    It sounds like you are resisting your jealousy….your insecurity. Instead of feeling ashamed by it, or "bad" or juvenile, why not sit with your jealousy and see what it has to teach you. What does it need from you? What lesson does it bring? How can you offer this side of yourself acceptance and compassion?
    Just the other day I was in yoga class and feeling jealous of the woman's butt in front of mine. At first, I was embarrassed that I was feeling jealous, and in all places, a yoga class. Yes, I got the irony. But I was able to sit with my envy, as uncomfortable as that was, and recognize its gift. What did it bring me? A wake up call to take better care of myself. That's what the jealousy represented: the me who has been skipping workouts and eating too much junk was hooked by the woman in front of me who isn't skipping workouts and eating junk :) It's just a signpost, nothing more, nothing less.
    When you can embrace even the parts of yourself that you dislike, and integrate them with your whole being, you may find the jealousy has very little hold on you. You'll be able to ride the wave of the e-motion and move from fear to love. From this place, you can celebrate the beauty of your roommate as well as the beauty in you — a wonderful feeling of honoring and cherishing beauty in others without feeling that painful stab of, "But what about me?" And you'll also be able to see that you emotions, your jealousy, your insecurity aren't really "you" at all, but temporary feelings that come and go, like clouds in the sky.
    I'm right there with you. It's a journey we all undertake, especially as women.

  58. Addy February 4, 2009 at 5:38 am - Reply

    I can't thank you enough for this article. A once confident young girl, I would have never imagined college would turn me into the insecure woman I am today. It's amazing and horrifying how being assigned a gorgeous roommate freshman year has greatly altered what I see in the mirror. Today, in many ways, I feel more like a little girl than I did in highschool. This article spoke so much of what I've been too ashamed to admit to myself.
    Really, this meant a great deal to me.

  59. Adriana January 19, 2009 at 9:50 am - Reply

    This was a really in depth article on self -acceptance. I have been on the receiving end of much hatred, even before someone has gotten to know me. And naturally myself I have found myself jealous of other women who seem to have a perfect body, or look hotter, etc.
    I had an old co-worker and while when I first met her I treated her as a co-worker or even potential friend but then she became really strange and crazed and would give me dirty nasty looks and hostility. I wound up strongly disliking her, and competing with her on some weird level. It wasn't that she was that pretty it was just that natural female competitiveness.
    However I'm going to try to be more aware of my behavior and others. Sometimes I'll see even a photo of some gorgeous girl on that net or in passing and I'll feel instant jealousy or insecurity but that comes from not really accepting myself.

  60. IVELISSE L RIVERA ME August 6, 2008 at 8:35 pm - Reply

    JEALOUS OF ANOTHER WOMAN. OBSESSED & INFATUATED WITH ALL WOMAN. VERY INSECURE ABOUT ONESELF. SAD & MISERABLE WITH THE LIFE YOU LIVE.

  61. Maisah July 29, 2008 at 8:04 pm - Reply

    Though this was written in February and its now July, it ministered to my spirit tremendously. The quote, "addicted to being the prettiest woman in the room," hit me like a ton of bricks. I have spent so much time, focus and energy wanting, needing, demanding attention and compliments that I literally fell into depression when I didn't receive it. I asked God to free me from this because I know He wants to use me to encourage other women. He is freeing me and He led me to your website. This article was/is a blessing. I am going to get the book you mentioned tonight. Its time to start realizing, "God dwells within me, as me."

  62. Karmama September 21, 2009 at 6:26 am - Reply

    I know it is odd to reply to my own comment, but I have a follow-up. After I posted that, I was out shopping and was in line in front of one of “those women” who inspire my jealously. I struck up a friendly conversation and asked how she stayed so trim into her “golden” age. She replied ( in a gravely voice) that she has smoked for her entire adult life and was stressed to the max. She was so busy that she often didn’t eat for and entire day. Her family is in shambles and she never sleeps at night for worrying about the safety of her daughter and grandchildren.
    I get it now. I’m done wanting to be someone else who appears to be what I long to be. I am as healthy as I can be at my weight, and my family is strong and safe. I have a job I love and I know that, through this job, I am helping people have better lives. I wouldn’t trade any of that for having the perfect body.
    I take responsibility to get busy and eat better and exercise more to do the best I can to be healthy. I will be grateful for my life and family as it is, and know that I have no excuses on that front for my size.
    I know that not all fit 60-somethings are in poor health and stressed like the woman I met. Some have lovely lives and live in a healthy manner. They will be my models for getting as fit as I can. I accept that I will never again be bikini-ready, but that’s fine with me.

  63. jessica December 14, 2011 at 6:44 am - Reply

    To Eliza

    omg…it is as if you just said everything that I feel and think, I am exactly the same. I even get angry when my boyfriend watches a movie with a pretty/sexy girl in it and ill be like it for ages because something inside me knows that hes looking at her in a certain way that i wish he looked at me and it kills me, that feeling where ur heart drops or you get that jealous feeling where by you feel your blood boiling i hate it and yes i always want to be someone else there is so much i want to change about myself and it horrible because u feel like your living in someone else’s shaddow :( but sometimes you have to remeber is what is megan fox? she’s not a real woman like you she is an air brushed image of what should appear as beautiful, you are real…i know the feeling you critisise everything about that person to make u feel better and until i found this page i thought i was the only one that felt like this…

  64. Crissy February 16, 2012 at 5:01 am - Reply

    I totally understand!! So glad to find your post. I have the most AMAZING love and support I have ever known and I’m still jealous and insecure. You don’t sound horrible by saying “people think your beautiful.” I get the same comments and it still is not enough for me. I always feel this want and need to be prettier or better. I have this feeling and thought I’m never good enough. Why? I can only assume it stems from childhood and teenage years. I get so anxious when im with my Fiance and I see a beautiful, sexy, woman that I know he will think is hot. It’s so bad I have even accused him of looking at woman that was in his vicinity and guess what he didn’t even know who I was talking about. Lol!! Talk about feeling like an a**! I don’t get it! I know the problem is within me though and I acknowledge I’m the only one that can change these insecurities. Atleast we recognize there’s a problem girl. Dont they say that’s the first step lol. I guess if I had 1 question to ask a man I would want to know why???? they have to look?? We see an attractive man and nothing crosses our minds, well those of us who are happy with our partners. I wish you the best and hope your situation is getting better

  65. Karly Randolph Pitman
    Karly Randolph Pitman May 9, 2012 at 11:14 am - Reply

    Adrienne,

    It helps me to appreciate that everyone can feel jealous at times. I know I can. Knowing this helps me relax into my jealousy and realize that it’s okay – it’s not personal. How human of me, of you, of everyone!

    That being said, I don’t feel good when I allow my jealousy to take over, to hijack my behavior or mind. That hurts my heart. So this is what helps me –

    What I like to do is care for the part of me that feels jealous. I close my eyes and visualize her (she’s usually very, very young) and hold her in my lap like a little girl. I ask her, “What do you need? What are you feeling?” and invite her to tell me all about it. I let her vent and share all her feelings as I hold her with love and compassion.

    Allowing this part of me to share her feelings, and then offering this part of me compassion and care – I understand, sweetheart; of course; I know how much you want to be loved – is what helps soften the jealousy. I see it less as my enemy and more as a very tender part of me that just wants to be loved. And I heal its hurt by offering it my love, my self love.

    In love and care, Karly

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