For many intuitive, sensitive, or empathic people, there’s a link between emotional shame, spiritual shame and overeating. Emotional and spiritual shame dams up emotion or tries to control it. The result is both a painful overindentification with emotion, where we believe we are our emotions, and an emotional compression, where emotions get ‘stuck’ in the body and psyche.
The tension from trying to control emotions, the pain of the shame itself, and the pressure of this ‘stuck emotion’ then seeks an outlet or relief in food.
By contrast, when emotions are embraced and invited, they flow like water, like a river. The shame moves; the emotional energy itself moves.
This is important – for as my mentor in developmental psychology says, “emotions have a job to do…they are the engine of maturation.” When we suppress or control emotions, emotions aren’t able to do their job – to move us towards this yearning, growth and unfolding.
But when we open to our emotional experience and soften our attempts to exert control, we become a ballast for this growing up process, the riverbank for the river. Through these riverbanks, our emotional life moves, and flows. The boat on this river is our deep heart, what guides us through the many waters, into the richness and fullness of our humanity.
Through these currents and ebbs and tides, the heart grows wide, deep, humble, and strong.
Read on to learn more.
Of all the things that we’re asked to befriend as tender human beings, I think befriending feelings is the most challenging. It makes sense: who wants to feel things like loss, pain, grief, jealousy, devastation? Who wants to feel unloveable, like a failure, ugly, too much, not enough? Ouch.
And yet these feelings arise, in all beings.
How we avoid our feelings
Most of us aren’t taught how to care for painful feelings. We see “negative feelings” as something bad, as something to defend ourselves against. Consequently, we do all kinds of things to avoid feeling them.
In my own life, my 20 years of eating disorders, chronic spiritual seeking, and quest for self perfection all arose from the same root fear: a fear of my feelings. They were all my strategies to keep myself from feeling painful feelings – feelings of unworthiness, “badness,” shame, or ugliness.
My suffering proliferated from there. Because the more I tamped down my feelings, the more depressed and anxious I felt. Depressed because I was minimizing, editing, and repressing the life that was flowing through me. Depressed, because I made myself “wrong” for feeling whatever I was feeling: I felt so ashamed, bad and unspiritual because of all my passionate, intense, negative emotions.
Anxious because I was so afraid of what my negative emotions said about me: I thought my negative emotions meant I was ugly, shameful, unworthy – not simply temporary feelings that were flowing through me.
Trying to stop the ocean
Most painfully, no matter how hard I pushed myself to be perfect, or how much spiritual seeking I did, or how much I binged (or how clean I ate or how much weight I lost) I couldn’t make the feelings go away.
They would arise, all on their own. It was like trying to stop the waves of the ocean. It was like trying to stop a river from flowing.
Life flows, and flows as energy. And this energy often comes in the form of emotions: messy emotions, painful emotions, powerful emotions, intense emotions, tender emotions.
Embracing all kinds of weather
Think of all the variety of weather: rain, storms, clouds, sunshine, heat, cold, snow, ice, wind, humidity, aridity. Think of all the variety of just one form of weather: pounding rain, a gentle rain, mist, flooding, a steady drizzle, rain while the sun is shining through the clouds.
In the same way there’s a variety of weather in our outer lives, there’s a variety of weather in our inner lives: anger, sadness, grief, joy, enthusiasm, boredom….
We don’t call rain “wrong” and sunshine “right.” But why do we label emotions in this way?
Why do we fear the dark?
In many spiritual circles and Law of Attraction teachings, “negative emotions” are something to transcend. Some people even state that “negative” emotions have the power to create “bad” things in our lives. So we’re told to elevate above these emotions, to think the higher thought, and to be more positive.
Positivity has its place – absolutely. So does forgiveness – holding onto painful emotions like anger or resentment can also cause suffering.
But why are we so afraid of darkness?
Spiritual shame
Law of Attraction teachings never sat right with my heart, because I feel they cause spiritual shame and insecurity about our very humanity. I find this to be especially true for empathic, intuitive, or highly sensitive people who feel deeply, passionately, and subtly. Because we have a sensitive nature, this means we feel the “negative” emotions as intensely as we feel the “positive” ones.
So if we believe we have to think/feel positively – and yet are feeling lots of intense negative emotions – it can lead to suffering and self blame. We make ourselves wrong for feeling what we’re feeling. This becomes the spiritual shame of, “there’s something wrong with me because I’m feeling so negatively!”
In judging our emotions, we separate from our wholeness and become a smaller self. There’s so much life we have to then make “wrong” because it’s not “positive.” And we shut down, and we close off, and we armor ourselves against life so that it’s only “right.”
We exhaust ourselves, spending so much energy trying to defend ourselves against life – to defend against the feelings that flow through us – because we see these feelings as somehow, bad, wrong. An indictment.
And in doing so, we cut ourselves off from the very aliveness that is our nature.
Include everything
There’s a fundamental rule in improv comedy: you work with whatever is given. No matter what your fellow actors say or do – no matter how far fetched or ridiculous – you run with it, you work with it. You include it.
I invite you to approach feelings in the same way. Dear one, no matter what you’re given, no matter what you’re feeling, include it.
Rilke said it this way: “Let everything happen to you.”
Who would you be if you allowed all your feelings?
So this begs a powerful question: What if you no longer feared your feelings? What if all feelings were allowed in your experience? What if you let everything happen to you?
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but how much more peaceful, relaxed, less anxious might you feel?
To allow life – to allow all of life – to flow through us is to rest in peace. It’s how we find the deepest rest because we know that whatever we’re feeling, we can include it. We can handle it. We can love this, too.
We can drop all the energy we expend trying to control life, our eating, or ourselves so we don’t feel what we don’t want to feel. Instead, we can be present in our actual lives.
This is the ground of love.
Let everything happen to you
We can drop our armor and let it all in. We can allow ourselves to feel whatever we’re feeling in the moment. We can simply let it be – knowing that feelings are not what we are. Feelings become something that come and go, and not something that define us.
(Oh, we are so much deeper, so much bigger.)
Let go of the story that you’re a small, separate self that has to make life go a certain way so that you feel a certain way. Let go, and allow yourself to be carried in the river of life. Rest in this mercy.
Photo credit: Silvia Sala / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND
"We don't call rain 'wrong' and sunshine 'right'" This is spot on, Karly! Thank you for your deep and clear perspective on befriending feelings. So many of us (and our culture) need this! ~Abby
Thank you for sharing Karly! I feel the same way about law of attraction theories. I agree there is place for noticing gratitude and shifting out of sadness or anger that is keeping us stuck, but also that it compounds the guilt and shame when we think that continues to bring on more difficulties. It is true I have seen people who seem to "attract" the negative almost continuously, so I do wonder…. but for me I'm not completely sold on the "law" as truth.
I love that you have unconditional love and acceptance in your tag line and I teach mindfulness and acceptance of feelings more than almost anything else in my counseling practice. When we create space for our feelings rather than resisting or being terrified of them, we find more peace…as uncomfortable as it may feel in the moment as you are learning to trust that it will be OK…
Wonderful job Karly! Everything you say rings so true to me. I see feelings as sacred Life Force moving through us in brilliant and creative ways. We are so LUCKY to be vessels for this Life Force, even though it can sometimes feel highly uncomfortable!!
You are a beautiful writer, a clear thinker, and an amazing teacher of the beauty of loving What Is. This world is lucky to have you.
With much love
Isabelle
In my practice as a therapist, well as in my own living, I reflect on some of the Buddhist teachings such as “ten thousand joys..ten thousand sorrows..” We seem to be hard wired to reject the concept of suffering. We seem to all want instant solution to the more challenging emotions and I think what you speak to here is universal..if we can understand and embrace the law of balance that one depends on the other (no real joy without the knowledge of loss/pain and vice versa)..and that nothing is fixed~ change is happening as I write. A better place for me is to observe my feelings from a mindful spot and listen..what am I learning..? Am I open and curious to this? What am I clinging to? can I let it go?.. What is my anxiety/pain/anger telling me?
I really believe if we all could learn tolerance and balance of our emotions, our compassion for human kind would truly soar and no one would be left to suffer in isolation, including ourselves.
Amazing words! Read and cry. Thank you for sharing!!! Sonia
Thanks for this Karly. Building my small business in a saturated market my prayer has been "thy will" but several people close to me are pushing the "Law Of Attraction" telling me I must "manifest success". I continue to pray "Thy will" because I know God has an awesome plan but the persistence of my unsolicited advisors does make me wonder sometimes. thanks for letting me know I am not alone in feeling uneasy with the whole manifesting/law of attraction idea. I am working hard to just sit with what is rain or shine 🙂 peace to you sweet lady!
Thanks so much for your beautiful writings, Karly. I am going to copy the part below into my journal because it helped me to start normalising ALL my feelings not just the ones I like.
"Embracing all kinds of weather
Think of all the variety of weather: rain, storms, clouds, sunshine, heat, cold, snow, ice, wind, humidity, aridity. Think of all the variety of just one form of weather: pounding rain, a gentle rain, mist, flooding, a steady drizzle, rain while the sun is shining through the clouds.
In the same way theres a variety of weather in our outer lives, theres a variety of weather in our inner lives: anger, sadness, grief, joy, enthusiasm, boredom .
We dont call rain wrong and sunshine right. But why do we label emotions in this way?"
Karly- beautifully put, and it still needs to be said. So keep speaking it. With big appreciation,
Mark
EVERYTHING in this article was spot-on. SO insightful. One of the best yet. Thank you, Karly!
This is such a good post, Karly. I know a lot of people who are convinced of the "law of attraction" spiritual program. Like you, I am deeply committed to befriending "the shadow," or the darkness, or the negative feelings – for the sake of wholeness, full energy, but most importantly, so we know we "can handle it." I think that's why we turn away from the darkness. We're afraid it will eat us up, or something. The more we experience we can survive the negative, walk through it, "handle it," as you said, the more fully and freely we can live. Thanks for writing this!
Kate
Thank you Karly for your wisdom filled words and I love the use of the weather analogy , I find your approach of compassion and acceptance very enriching .
Hi Michelle,
I'm so glad this was helpful for you. The weather analogy is helpful to me, too – it helps me take my internal weather less personally.
In love and care, Karly
Thank you, Mark! You helped me in walking this journey of accepting and loving our humanity and formulating my thoughts into words – so thank you for all the ways your teachings have helped me grow.
Warmly, Karly
You're so welcome, Sonia. Tears are so holy….
Antoine de Saint-Exupery – "It is such a secret place, the land of tears."
In love and care, Karly
Hi Isabelle,
I love that you see feelings as a sacred life force, and to feel lucky about this – I'd never thought about feelings that way.
I like this idea, and find it comforting and lovely. Thank you for sharing this wise, accepting perspective.
In love and care, Karly
Thank you, Abby – I feel so honored by your comments, as you were my first teacher in befriending feelings. Thank you for your gentle encouragement to open to my emotions … it was a life changing experience.
In gratitude and love,
Karly
Hi Michelle,
I think acceptance of feelings is the area where I've had to grow the most, too – I'm so grateful you teach this in your work.
I love how you phrase this here: "When we create space for our feelings rather than resisting or being terrified of them, we find more peace as uncomfortable as it may feel in the moment as you are learning to trust that it will be OK "
That really resonates with me!
Thank you for your comments and for sharing your perspective, and for all the work you do to support people in their unfolding.
In love and care, Karly
Hi Signe,
Ah, I've had a lot of that myself. I just never felt comfortable with it. Speaking of thy will feels better to me, too. You might find business coach Mark Silver's perspective on manifesting a refreshing change – I have a hunch it will speak to you –
http://www.heartofbusiness.com/2010/backwards/
(And I'm so grateful for the business that you offer!!)
In love and care, Karly
So glad this resonated with you, Eve!
In love and care, Karly
Dear Kate,
I love how you put befriending the dark – "so we know we can handle it." You're reminding me of what one of my mentors, Dr. Gordon Neufeld says – how the essence of self esteem is knowing that "come what may, we can handle it."
Yes, the more we allow ourselves to walk through it and know we survive, the more fully we can feel and be.
Thank you Kate for your own healing work in supporting this aliveness in all of us.
In love and care, Karly
Hi Lynne,
I'm so glad this resonated with you and I feel touched by how this post touched you.
The weather metaphor resonates with me, too, because I can so easily see that the external weather is not my fault – and this helps me soften towards my own (and others') internal weather.
My hope and prayer is that all our feelings may have a loving, safe, openhearted vessel where they are allowed to be.
In love and care, Karly
Hi Julie,
How great to hear from you! I've always loved that teaching on the 10,000 joys and sorrows, too – it helps normalize my life experience and its inevitable ups and downs.
Oh, Julie, this touches my heart deeply: "I really believe if we all could learn tolerance and balance of our emotions, our compassion for human kind would truly soar and no one would be left to suffer in isolation, including ourselves." Oh, yes. Thank you for speaking to this longing, and so beautifully.
A beautiful aspiration ….
In love and care, Karly
I loved your article! Great job.
Thank you so much for this article, I really needed to read this today. Thank you! God bless you
Feelings are connected to water in many cultures and symbols. too little and is a desert, too much and is a bog. Feelings are not what we are, or who we are. There is an observer who is able to think and is not waterlogged. Sometimes feelings drown people, making them confused as to believe they are their feelings. Feelings are like clouds. watch them pass.
Tessa,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom here. I agree that’s it’s helpful to not identify with feelings, and that connecting to a vaster space can help us navigate. Yes, thank goodness they move and pass!
In this article, I felt it was important to address our culture’s discomfort with emotion, especially ‘negative emotion,’ and how emotion phobia creates a shame about emotion or a damming of emotion where it is not invited and felt. For as you beautifully expressed, the waters need to move and flow. In the flow is where emotional balance lies.
THank you for adding your voice to this rich discussion, Tessa.