Friends, this article is the first public writing I did about the connection between attachment theory, human development, and overeating. As I explored the roots of overeating, I wondered: could overeating, like other addictions, be connected to human attachment?
The article struck a chord with our audience and was shared widely across the internet. It eventually led to the creation of my annual course, When Food is Your Mother.
So what is this connection between attachment and overeating?
In a nutshell, we’re wired for connection, for contact and closeness. This connection impacts our emotional, physical and spiritual well being all our lives, ‘from the cradle to the grave,’ as John Bowlby famously said.
But this connection also impacts our emotional and psychological development, how the developmental and maturing process unfolds within us. Our development is shaped and formed by our relationships, particularly our emotional environment.
This is called the ‘biopsychosocial’ model of mental health.
When our need for contact and closeness goes unmet, food can become a substitute for the warmth, connection, safety, and rest we seek in relationship. In this way, food can become like a mother, a place of refuge.
Overeating, or binge eating, may be one way we’re adapting to our environment.
From this perspective, overeating is an adaptive strategy. Based in good intentions, kindness, and even its own form of wisdom, overeating preserves functioning. But over time, this strategy can cause its own suffering and ‘stunt’ the development that longs to unfold within us.
This is often where we seek help.
While the way we use food can point to the places where we got developmentally stuck or can reveal the habitual ways we soothe ourselves, both of these things are worthy of dignity and respect.
As we understand the emotional drives that lead to food compulsions, we can approach ourselves without shame. We can nurture the places within us that may feel young or frozen, and nurture the warmth that replaces the haven of food. Step by step, we ‘come alongside ourselves,’ as my mentor Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes, and help ourselves unfold.
It’s my hope that this article, and all our offerings, can help you make sense of the emotional and instinctual drives that are underneath many food compulsions and bring a well of compassion for your relationship with food, nurturance and nourishment.
If, after reading this article, you feel moved to learn more, and you want to learn more with me, you may like my class, When Food is Your Mother. I generally offer this class once a year.
There are also many others who explore the link between human development, trauma, and our adaptive strategies, including food compulsions and other addictions.
This list includes my mentor, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Dr. Gabor Mate, Bonnie Badenoch, Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, Internal Family Systems, Stephen Porges, the founder of polyvagal theory, psychotherapist Dan Siegel, trauma expert Peter Levine, and more. Each of these people has wisdom to share and brings a piece of the puzzle of understanding.
The yearning to heal
I’ve been speaking to lots of women this week, for it’s January. The start of the year is known to bring up all our yearnings and desires, all the ways we want to change the patterns in our lives that frustrate us.
For many women who self soothe with food, their January wish is for healing – to stop overeating, to eat less sugar, or to stop a habit of using food for comfort.
These are bright, kind, wise, perceptive women. They’ve often been through incredible challenges that they’ve handled with grace and courage. These are women I’d feel honored to count as friends.
Most of them know where they get caught in food – whether it’s with sugar, binge eating, or overeating. They’ve often been conscientiously working towards healing for years.
Many have healed from other addictions such as alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes.
They’ve tried lots and lots of healing strategies and they’ve often done a lot of therapy, inner work, or healing. They know – and have used – many tools, whether they’re EFT/tapping techniques, therapy, meditation, mindfulness, spiritual work, hypnotherapy, counseling, approaches that work with changing your inner dialogue (thoughts/beliefs/self talk), medication, nutritional supplements and more.
They’ve read everybody on nutrition, healing, and food.
Many are healers or in wellness fields – they’re nutritionists, healers, naturopaths, therapists, coaches, nurses, yoga teachers, acupuncturists, spiritual teachers, massage therapists, sound healers, personal trainers, and more. They’re intuitive, sensitive, and empathetic. They’re fabulous at helping people.
They feel frustrated – and imposters – because they feel stuck with food. They don’t understand – I know what to do. I’ve done all this inner work. Why am I STILL overeating?
This year I’ve been listening to better understand what’s going on.
For a while, I thought emotional healing (I’m limiting my discussion to emotional healing, even while I understand that physical healing is equally important and part of the picture) was about other factors. Perhaps it was knowledge – if I just knew what to do, I could do it. Then I thought it was about understanding – if I understand the roots, that insight can heal me. I thought that changing my thinking or beliefs would do it.
Each of these things helped a bit, but they were not enough by themselves for me and for many of our people. So what are we missing?
Finding the clues
This weekend my children and I spent Friday night browsing Barnes & Noble. Because it’s January, the table at the front of the store was piled high with weight loss books. (You can imagine.) I thumbed through them in curiosity. This afternoon I was at the library, and browsed the latest weight loss books there, too.
I found some ideas I liked – things like practicing self compassion, relaxed intent (having an intention but holding it loosely), and the importance of structure and rhythm.
But there was one core idea where I strongly disagreed. (At one point, I said out loud to the book, “No! That’s not true!”)
I was protesting against the “take responsibility” solution to healing food stuff.
Here’s an example – one book said something like, “If you’re not losing weight, it’s your own fault. If you really wanted it, you’d do it. I’m sorry that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.” (This is when I started arguing outloud…)
In my view, this misses the point. If we could, we would. “Taking responsibility” or “just doing it” feels trivializing and cruel to people in real pain.
And here’s another biggie – if we recognize that food compulsions are not just about the body or brain, but that they’re also rooted in instinct and emotion, why do we feel unable to change?
The human need for connection, or attachment
We can find answers to these questions in attachment theory and IPNB, interpersonal neurobiology. Attachment theory is a model or way of understanding human development. According to attachment theory, our early relationships – and our lifelong need for contact and closeness – impacts our development, sense of self, relationships, emotional, physical and spiritual well being, and views of the world.
Secure attachment creates a sense of safety within our being. On a brain level, secure attachment frees the brain to move from ‘preserving functioning’ to ‘nurturing growth.’
As Stephen Porges, the creator of the polyvagal theory says, “Safety is the healing.”
When development goes awry
In a nutshell, attachment theory says that our basic, fundamental need is to be loved and to belong – to feel connected, secure and safe. These needs are the basic ground floor level of our development. When these needs aren’t met, we get stuck. We have gaps in our development. We develop painful coping strategies – like overeating. (I think lots of addictions would fit in this sentence, too.)
These attachment needs are primal, and go very, very deep in the brain. When these unmet needs are triggered in our adult lives, we panic. We go into fight or flight. My guess is that when we binge, or overeat, we’re feeling this panic of feeling unattached – of being in pain and feeling alone, disconnected, getting zero emotional support or response. We may have felt this way as children. And we feel it in the present when we feel hurt – let’s say our boss says something unkind about us at a meeting – and it triggers all those old feelings of alone, in pain, rejected, abandoned, terrified.
A child who is securely attached feels that there’s an emotionally responsive parent who is there for them – especially when they’re in pain. They may feel hurt at times – it’s inevitable – but they feel held in their hurt. This is what enables them to cope with it – as Dr. Sue Johnson says, “loving connection is the only safety nature ever offers us.” They’re able to adapt and work through the pain.
What insecure attachment looks like
The insecurely attached child doesn’t have this same resilence. They give up easily – very easily. They are easily overwhelmed because they “feel” alone.
A child who is insecurely attached to its parents can be anxious, needy, clingy, insecure. They don’t feel safe, they don’t feel like they can rely on their parent to be there emotionally for them; the bond is fragile. They don’t feel held. Their pain overwhelms them. (It’s this pain I see in my clients when their emotions come up in the present day. They feel the hurt – let’s say they have an argument with their spouse – and it feels overwhelming, like too much to bear. The pain brings up those threatened, fight or flight signals and the brain spins out. They eat to soothe the panic.)
How does that child survive? We cope. In my case, I coped by substituting an attachment. Yep, I attached to food Sugar in particular – sweet, creamy, fatty foods, foods like mother’s milk – became my source of nurturing. Here’s where the stuckness with food starts to make sense – if I use sugar to feel safe, to feel loved, to soothe that panic and terror, you can imagine that trying to remove sugar from my life would bring up these very same feelings of terror, and panic! No wonder it took me so long to unhook. No wonder I resisted it. I felt like a small child losing the thing that kept her tethered….
And it’s this panic that I see in my clients. We work very, very slowly together to help them feel safe so they can unhook from the dependence on food.
Insecure attachment and food
A person who is insecurely attached to food will often be anxious with food, needy with food, clingy with food, insecure with food. Or, they can be avoidant towards it – pushing it away, acting cool, like they don’t need it. This can show up as:
- We love food, and we hate it.
- When we’re not eating, we crave food, we want it, we feel anxious for it. When we’re eating the food, we feel terrified of it and gobble it down – like we don’t trust that there will be enough.
- For many of us, food is our mother. We look to it as we would look to a mother – to meet needs for nurturing, comfort, compassion, connection and understanding.
- We may avoid eating, skip meals so we don’t feel the insecurity, the lack of trust with food.
- We feel terrified (yes, absolute terror) about not having certain foods to eat, like sugar, or about setting limits on food.
- Hoarding food, like stockpiling love.
- Feeling panicky when there’s either too much or too little food.
Why separating from sugar feels so painful
For many of the women I work with, I hear words like terror, abandonment, isolation, deprivation, and panic when they even think about not eating sugar or not being able to eat as much as they want. Strong words! And yet it makes sense in the context of food = mother. If a small child is separated from its mother, that experience is incredibly distressing – nature designed in that way to keep the child safe! We feel the same sense of impending doom about separating from food.
These strong emotions make sense if we see that the reason their feelings overwhelm them – why they turn to food instead – is because they have long buried memories of being in pain and feeling alone, overwhelmed by their pain. That feels rightly terrifying. So they panic when they feel strong emotions. They feel like they hijack their bodies, like they take over, like they can’t handle it. The strongest emotion is often this fear of separation from food.
The pain I hear described to me over and over is a feeling of being completely alone, a feeling of “There’s no one there,” or, “I have to do it all myself.” This often show up in a family role of being the strong one – the person others count on to take charge and be responsible but who feels unduly burdened, that they can’t count on others when they need help. More than anything, they long to let down, to take off the responsibility hat, and to be held. To be cared for. To pass the baton to someone else. Some of them say that sugar is the only way they can do this – the only way they can give themselves a measure of let down, of mothering. And they consciously or unconsciously resist giving up this source of comfort – and understandably so! If their lives feel burdened – and they feel powerless to set limits against these burdens – then the only solution they feel they have is to comfort themselves in order to endure it.
As I hope you’re seeing, it’s not so simple as just “wanting it enough” or “committing.”
Why emotional connection – attachment – is necessary to feel our feelings
Is there anything more painful than to be in pain and feel alone? I’ve given birth to 4 children, 3 completely naturally, and the last 2, at home. Childbirth hurts. And yet, paradoxically, in my natural births, the pain was tolerable. The pain was tolerable because I felt safe – I was with a midwife and nurse I completely trusted, I was in my husband’s loving arms, and I felt surrounded by love and care. My emotional needs were met. I felt secure and because of this, I felt I could handle the pain. It didn’t overwhelm me.
With my first birth, the pain didn’t feel tolerable. I absolutely did not feel safe. I didn’t like my doctor. I’d seen him once for a 10 minute doctor visit, as we’d moved when I was pregnant, and the OB clinic had 6 or 7 OBS that you rotated through on each visit. He didn’t know me from Adam; I was giving birth – a pretty intimate thing! – with a total stranger. He ignored my birth plan and wishes. Same with the hospital staff. I was in a big hospital where nurses walked in and out and I never knew if someone would stay with me and help me through my contractions. I was in pain, I was a first time mom, I felt scared, I felt ignored, I felt overlooked, I felt abandoned! So the pain felt unbearable. I had a last minute epidural when I was fully dilated at the end of labor, even with the risks of getting an epidural so late in the game, because I felt like I was going to go through the roof in pain.
It is contact and closeness – feeling safe, feeling held – that allows us to feel those painful feelings instead of feeling overwhelmed by them and eating them. And it is contact and closeness that helps us feel loved, that helps us feel belonging, so we don’t walk around with such a deep, aching hole in our hearts.
I’ll never forget what one tender woman, a coaching client, asked for in our first call – “Karly, I just want to feel held.” If I do anything for my clients and readers, this is how I believe I help them – I help them feel safe. I help them feel held. I help them feel connected so that the pain doesn’t feel so overwhelming.
We are remarkably brave when we feel cared for. When we feel connected, when we feel “held,” when we feel validated, understood, and safe, we can do what feels really painful, like step aside from the cookies. In fact, it’s how we’re able to say no…
Overeating is an attachment cry
Overeating, sugar bingeing, emotional eating are attachment cries, no different than a baby crying when it’s in pain. At the most basic, basic level, we don’t feel safe. My guess is that people who are able to work through their food stuff with relative ease are securely attached. They have more of a base from which to start. Those who struggle have some degree of insecure attachment.
Fortunately, we can heal the attachment brain. Our childhood pain is not a sentence of hopelessness. Likewise, insecure attatchment is *not* a sign that we had abusive or unloving parents or that our families are “dysfunctional.” As Judy Scheel says, “Many families are enormously loving. Attachment Theory has nothing to do with the absence of love in a family.”
As we heal the attachment brain, we can grow. As I see it, secure attachment is the foundation for growth. Not enlightenment, not spiritual evolution, not conscious attainment, not responsibility, not even effort. I think we put the cart before the horse – and make the road much, much harder – when we focus on fixing the behavior before we heal the relationship – the relationship we feel with ourselves, with others, and with life.
When we feel safe, when we feel held, we can do things that are really painful, like sit with our painful feelings instead of eat them. We can do the emotional work – feeling our feelings, crying our tears, opening to feelings that we’ve experienced over and over again – that frees us from food. That has been my experience these past 2 years, and this is how I’ve been able to make great strides with food, even as it was not easy, comfortable, or fun. (In fact, the past 2 years have been a very difficult time for me – so attachment was crucial.) Not skills, not knowledge, not will power, not responsibility, but safety.
How we find secure attachment
I’ve found attachment in forgiving my friends and loved ones and letting go of years of bitterness, resentment and hurt – allowing myself to be loved by imperfect people and to feel their love. I’ve found attachment in a dear therapist who helped me feel safe to touch pain that felt too painful to touch on my own. I’ve found attachment in the mucky work of sitting with and feeling my feelings – crying my tears – and not abandoning myself when I felt overwhelmed or in pain. I’ve felt attachment in reaching out to others instead of isolating myself. And I’ve found attachment with my own heart in self compassion, self forgiveness, and self acceptance. (I forget. A lot.)
So let’s unpack this a bit so we can clearly see the map of what I did. I focused on meeting my deep attachment needs for:
- safety
- contact and closeness
- emotional responsiveness
- attunement to my needs
- belonging
- unconditional love
I met these needs through practices like:
- compassion (offering myself care, a nurturing inner voice, and more)
- meditation
- yoga
- mindfulness
- prayer/spiritual practices of connecting with the Divine
- sitting with my feelings and feeling them
- listening to myself/connecting with myself
- reaching out to others and creating connection
- support! – letting a few people (people whom I deeply trusted, it was only 3-4 people) be with me when I was in pain and was feeling overwhelmed. For me, this included a therapist.
- being honest about my needs (vs hiding or pretending)
- being open/accepting to my needs (not judging, minimizing, editing, suppressing or shaming them)
- allowing myself to be my own person (not having to take on other people’s thoughts or beliefs/agree with them in order to be close)
- setting boundaries (these were primarily emotional boundaries – not making myself responsible for other people’s feelings, not feeling responsible for other people’s happiness, as well as setting limits)
Learning these new skills is still a process for me, and yet looking back, I can see that practicing these skills yielded change and growth. That growth – the fruits of a strong attachment – are things like:
- personal power – being your own person
- integrative thinking (the ability to mix emotions, to hold two opposing thoughts at a time and honor your values rather than your instincts. This is also known as impulse control.)
- “and” thinking vs. either/or thinking
- being able to set boundaries and honor your limits
- to rest at the deepest level, to know that you are enough
- inner resilience regardless of changing external circumstances (a feeling of, “I can handle this” instead of a feeling of hopelessness/despair)
- comfort with strong emotions (not so scary feeling)
- the ability to care for and move strong emotions
- efficacy – feeling capable of making changes in your life
And these fruits are what enable me to say no to food. Holy cow, attachment heals. As Dr. Neufeld says, “It’s how we reach our human potential.” I would say it’s how we live what we are – our goodness.
(Stay tuned – this will probably be my next course – walking you through this outline so you can create healing in your own life. If you’re wanting something like this, please let me know, as I work to serve and it helps me plan my priorities for the year.)
So if you’re tried everything to heal, if you know what you need to do but are having a hard time doing it, oh dear one, it’s not your fault, and it’s not hopeless. If you’re stuck, that simply tells me that you don’t feel safe. That you need to create a container in which to unfold – a container of secure attachment. That’s why I say that the real relationship we’re changing is not our relationship with food, but the one we have with ourselves. When we feel safe with ourselves – and feel safe with the Divine, with life, and with others – we can grow.
Why this is so prevalent today
This is one reason (there are many) why so many people are struggling with eating disorders – and other addictions – and why we’re the most overweight people in history (unmet attachment needs + highly processed, highly addictive, unnutritious, readily available food = a perfect storm for weight problems.) We feel so isolated, cut off, separate, alone, and lacking in belonging with each other – even with all our fancy technology. We feel like baby birds flailing around, kicked out of the nest, with no shelter. It’s why we eat…and shop, and have casual sex, and go online, and drink, and gamble, and watch reality TV, and live in virtual worlds, and work, and compulsively check our email, and twitter, and Facebook, and texting….
And it’s why our children are doing all of this, too, and at younger and younger ages…..
We are all desperately needing connection. Our hearts and souls are starving. Dying. Thirsting. Hungering. Literally. We can not live, we can not thrive, we can not survive without attachment.
Our overeating is our protest. Our hearts and bodies saying, “NO. I can’t bear this isolation.” Our hearts saying, please, please, give me belonging! Give me shelter. I need safe emotional connection.
They are protesting. The question, dear ones, is will we listen? Will we give our hearts what they’re thirsting for?
Foster belonging
I invite you to start, oh, so simply, with a gentle bow, an acknowledgement about how much you’re hurting. Hold yourself and cry your tears and open your arms to your pain. If you have a place where you feel belonging – a loved one, a therapist, a tree, a pet – go to them. Let them comfort you. Let yourself feel held. Forgive yourself. You’ve been trying to fight against your human biology, your most basic need. You were never meant to try and tough it out and live without belonging. Don’t feel like your human neediness is a flaw, a character stain that you just need to work on to erase….
Instead, open to it. Come home. Rest in the shelter of your heart. Attach.
Reach out to others. We can not survive without contact and closeness. Seek support. Seek love. Create bonds. This is crucial for your healing. In fact, in my humble opinion, I don’t think we can heal without it…we can’t heal in isolation. We need to heal in relationship, in belonging, in community.
For we belong to each other. We belong to ourselves. We belong to the earth. And we belong to the Divine. Thank God.
Resources for you:
- If you this post resonates with you and you’d like to learn more about attachment theory and how it effects our development, I invite you to peruse the resources in the comments below. I highly recommend the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, the person who has taught me the most about attachment.
- Heal Overeating: Untangled is an audio program that heals the roots of overeating by healing our relationship with ourselves.
This actually makes a little bit of sense to me. I think also this is why the Caring Ritual was such a big thing for me. I won’t go into detail here, but growing up I always felt like a burden – an afterthought that now had to be dealt with. I can remember being as young as 8 or 9 and completely losing myself in a box of Little Debbies – and it was all downhill from there. I ate out of boredom, I ate out of sadness, and soon I was eating as a way of validating every emotion I had. I never really connected it to an attachment issue before but I can see how an 8 year old girl would need to attach herself to something when she felt like she couldn’t attach to her parents. But I don’t understand how, at age 40, I’m still hanging on to that. I have a great husband who I know loves me, kids that I feel very close to, and my relationship with my parents is very good (now that I’m older) – I feel plenty attached now, so why am I still hanging on to the food thing?
I think you might be on to something here, Karly. I can’t wait to see what you do with it! xoxo
Hi Karly and Jill,
Karly, I want to thank you so much for this post. As usual, it is beautifully written, and contains so much valuable information and insight.
Jill, I am thinking about your question of why the food issue would still exist as you are grown, and feel securely attached in other relationships. In my experience, when we lack that very early imprinting of secure connections and attachment, it may deeply affect our ability to feel comfortable “in our own skin”, if early caregivers could not aknowledge or be responsive to our needs it makes sense that we would have difficulty in learning to identify, validate and meet our own precious needs.
For me, this has created a kind of void and lonliness inside, that I chose to fill with food. Although, I too, am a grown woman with a loving family of my own, it is my own love and support that I have been most missing and longing for…..as I come to recognize this, I am better able to put down the food.
So thankful to be part of the First Ourselves community.
Love,
Carolyn
Carolyn,
I appreciate your thoughts and contributions! I am chuckling about your compliment on the article and appreciate it, as I wrote it late last night and was uncertain on whether or not it was coherent. So thank you for saying so.
Yes, I agree – we need that love and support like we need air to breathe. I feel so happy that you're finding this connection within your own heart – that must feel so good. Yeah for you!
I was listening to a teacher talk about how sitting with our difficult feelings – and giving them love and care – is how we don't abandon ourselves, how we stay with ourselves when we feel hurt and scared. I find this idea powerful, as well as its contrast – the idea that I abandon myself when I run from my feelings. (I say that in a very nonjudgmental way, because I don't want to turn that into a "should" when I do feel overwhelmed and run.)
Perhaps what we're all needing, at the most basic, basic level, is this attachment, this safety…this love. I know when I feel safe and loved, I could care less what I look like, how much I weigh, what's for dinner, how fancy my house looks, or how much money is in my bank account. It all falls by the wayside and becomes something whose importance counts for very little.
When I don't feel safe or loved, nothing can fill the void. Trivial things like appearance or food become super, super important. (Probably because I feel like improving them/controlling them will help me feel more lovable, and help me get more love.) I may try to use food as my ally against this terror, but I could eat 10,000 goodies and never feel full.
In love and care, Karly
Okay this is freaky – in answer to the question – What would I feel if I didn't use food to cope?- a friend and I were emailing back and forth yesterday about anxiety and using food to cope, and even before I thought about it, I wrote "I know that I'm eating for anxiety reasons, but I dont' know how to stop. And I sort of don't want to stop, you know? Like I think that if I stop eating, my anxiety won't have anywhere to go, and I'll just be freaking out or something."
I have been thinking a lot about this attachment issue since I read your post and it is making more and more sense. I am definitely going to do some more research on this. Thanks so much for sharing this and working so hard to bring this to light for others. xoxo
I’m afraid I’ve spent a lot of time placing the cart before the horse ~ endlessly wondering what on earth is wrong with me that I continue to relapse (esp w/ food) ~ I’ve heard the word “attachment” many times, but somehow even the word taps something so enormous inside, that I have never really been able to navigate the meaning ~ through reading your post, Karly, I realize how somewhere along the way I chose attach to food instead of people ~ I have spent 20 years in therapy hospitals medications alternative/traditional meditation prayer God retreats disciplines apprenticeships…. on & On and ON the pilgrimage to peace ~ I have been willing to do anything except attach to people ~ I attach to God I attach to my dog I attach to nature… I have always lived isolated from people ~ when I read that healing is not possible without attachment/relationship/community, I panicked. Thank You, for opening something important for me here ~ now to sit tenderly with my fear (really terror) of attachment.
I think Gordon Neufeld is totally da bomb on human development and parenting. He’s the real deal and has put all of the pieces together. Check out some of his clips on YouTube, too. http://www.gordonneufeld.com/
His take on all addictions, but especially the oral ones (overeating, smoking, drinking), are an attempt to reduce the alarm (stress) we feel. Just as babies are comforted by nursing, we find comfort by putting something in our mouths. We all tend to eat more, and especially more sugar when we’re dealing with a stressful life change, because we’re trying to reduce the alarm by finding something sweet in life. It makes complete sense that someone who’s dealing with alarm from abuse, neglect, or shame in their past that hasn’t been resolved would have a pattern of eating issues because they’re trying to quiet the alarm in the most basic way known to humankind.
You’re so thoughtful and gentle in connecting these dots, Karly.
Thank you Karly once again for sharing your thoughts and experience. I can relate so much. I understand and agree with every steps you make and describe, but I still have not succeeded to experience it. I mean, I understand that attachement is probably the key, I see how and why, but I feel I can’t improve. I try to, I try to connect, and sometimes it’s good (just before I feel guilty about it..), but it’s as if “something was broken from the start, as if I would never really care for me or love me, or let people love me. And it’s going worse, I have troubled relationships with food, with people, with myself, with my job (I’m a job seeker), with shopping, I’m unable to decide or to choose anything, important or not, and I understand it is linked to a deep feeling of unsafety, but I have not found the way to feel safe (and I fear I won’t find it, I’m nearly 36 now, I fear I will live apart from myself forever). And then I wonder, how is it to feel safe ? really ? How would it be to feel love, light, to feel you’re “enough” ? Does it really exist ? O please, tell meit exists somewhere somehow, tell me it’s possible.
yours,
xx
This resonated strongly with me – thank you so much for your insight and generosity of spirit in sharing your wisdom.
Very insightful, Karly. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself.
Hi Jil,
I found someone else talking about this here –
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-food-is-…
I appreciate Judy's perspective – and she's written a book about it!
http://www.amazon.com/When-Food-Family-Approach-D…
XO, Karly
Ash and Karly,
I just posted a post but I wanted to add something. I can relate to isolation as I have been isolating for years too. As you described, my heart is opened to the others, to help people for example, but it is closed for me. As if I didn't belong, I were not worthy. And it's "stronger than my will", no matter how I try, I can't open the door. How do you practice ? because everytime I try I sabotage. Sometimes I even think that I don't want to heal.
Karly, thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am always awe-struck by your subject matter…because it ALWAYS is relevant to my experience in that exact moment. I ask questions to the universe, and your writing brings me massive insight–and reminds me of my basic goodness. I would LOVE for this to be the subject of your next course. I am slowly taking steps toward freedom from sugar addiction/food obsession, but there are fundamental pieces that still must be addressed. I feel in my core that this is a key to my process. You are so wonderful. I feel so grateful to have you in my life.
Hi Karly. I haven't touched base in awhile. Synchronicity today–I have been doing a lot of reading and exploring of attachment as well. Just signed up for a class on attachment and emotion regulation. That you are in this too just reinforces my direction. Recently had another piece of the puzzle fall into place with regard to the dynamics between my mother and my baby self from an offhand comment she made about her greatgrandbabies–specifics aren't important, but I felt both her deep misunderstanding of what I needed back then, and the acceptance that she was doing the best she could, the peace of forgiving her and freedom now in knowing that I can give myself the understanding that I've needed all these years, and tried to get through food. Thank you so much.
The UCLA psychologist Robert Gould has written on life stage development, and how emotional eating blocks it. His "search for safety" resonates with your post this week, Karly. His work can be found at http://www.shrinkyourself.com; I recommend his book.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this great article!! So much of it resonated with me and I can totally see the attachment issues in my life that have lead to this lifetime of sugar/food addictions. My Dad was armed forces and so was gone for much of my childhood. When asked as a toddler where my Dad was, I pointed to the picture on the mantelpiece. Several times when he did come home, I didn’t recognize him and I never really did feel like I got to know him well. My Mom was left raising 3 children basically on her own, and as the eldest, I always felt like I had to be the responsible one. When I was 10, I was sent away to boarding school and this is where my love affair with sugar began. I can see now the attachment connection and I have continued throughout my adulthood to feel disconnected and alone. I never did marry, but I tried to forge my own family by becoming a foster parent. This only served to validate the feelings of disconnectedness – the children would come and go and I had no say about what would happen in their lives. I did end up with one great daughter (she came to me when she was 6 and she is now 22) – we live together with her son – the light of my life. I have anxieties however, about this relationship – I am supposed to be the adult and yet I often feel that our roles are reversed. Somehow she managed to grow up to be the level headed, confident person while I am the anxious, emotional wreck!!
Sugar continues to be a problem for me and like others who have posted, I sometimes wonder if I even want to heal. I keep trying, and then feel worse about myself when I fail yet again. I have had support over the years from different people, but somehow I still resist making that commitment to change my life. I isolate myself a lot and sit at home feeling depressed because I do not have the life that I want – it’s so frustrating!!
This article resonated with me, explained some things to be and made me feel less alone. I feel that I now may have something that I can work with and it has given me a lot to think about. Thanks again, Karly.
Karly,
Thank you, this is a very important article. Made connections I hadn't in the past. I'm doing many of the practices you noted to calm attachment issues, and have felt the subtle strides of growth. I'd love to see what you do next in terms of a class or future articles.
As always, with thanks and appreciation for the important work you do.
This really resonates with me as deep truth. thank-you so much!
I did his online program a few years ago and loved it! It was the first time I realized that I was eating for a reason, not just because I was a fat pig. That program definitely led me to continue looking for solutions.
Karly, this feels "right on the mark". Wow! I really relate.
I can't thank you enough for your putting this into words.
This makes so much sense. Touches my heart very deeply.
Enlightening information!!! Thank you!!
Hi Anjali,
So great to hear from you! I feel happy that this resonates with you and that my words helped you feel understood and validated.
We're going to be unpacking this post in support group over the next few months – how we can rewire the attachment brain. Tonight we talked about honoring our growth/maturation process with patience. We'd love to have you and anyone who's interested in taking this deeper – it's a sacred space that leads to insight and healing.
http://www.firstourselves.org/support-group/
In love and care,
PS – I think of you whenever we do anjali mudra in yoga class!
I just finished the article, after last nights class I had to come and read it right away. Realized I had been runnig and hiding the past few months. I have been driving myself hard, pushing to do things I am not supposed to be doing. I had totally tossed the tiny amount of self-care I practiced by the wayside, even not showering for days at a time, so I could just do stuff. I have been so ashamed and angry with myself as I have regained all the wieight I lost while on a medical fast Even though all the latest research says that is what should have happned I have been punishing myself without mercy.
I have ben slowly acknowleging what I have been doing, even avoiding this group and last nights call really was the Bomb!! Thank you Karly and also Jeaninne and Caterina for also sharing your wisdom and thoughts as well. I say go for it Karly, this is so dead on!! I feel I need to read what your wrote over and over again but there was nothing there that did not resonate completely with me. Thank you.
Wow Karly. Last night's phone conference call was amazing. Would you mind sending me the name of the other person who is also looking at attachment theory and eating? I'd like to read the comments, including the negative comments, because I have my own theory about such vehement opposition to this truth. Yes, I call it "truth", not a theory. And I say "truth" with the full authority of my own inner knowing. And perhaps there's the rub. Trusting inner knowing has been scorned in western culture for centuries. But, I have a strong sense that a new ground work is being laid, and that more and more of us our awakening into knowing the true nature of our being without over reliance on "authorities" who speak on the level of the small self. Whew, this is exciting stuff. You go girl!
Love you,
Jeannine
Hi Caterina,
I believe you are the person in our phone group? Thank you so much for your wise words. I'm nourished by this group and am really excited about Karly exploring the link between attachment and food issues.
Till next time 🙂
Jeannine
It was really interesting to read about the attachment theory and how food is “family”. I looked up the Scheel links however that is primarily for anorexia – you asked Karly for any feedback about a course around the attachment/food becoming the nurturer – I would be so grateful for you to do a course around this topic whereby I could step by step uncover my harmful habits and learn how to reach out and make healthy connections without the fear that is involved at this stage for me! It does take a lot of courage as you pointed out because yes we do let one another down and following on from any “hurt” is the common reaction of pulling back, closing off, hardening the heart that little tiny bit more and isolating also that tiny little bit more from the perceived threat, (which in my case is just about always a person!!). Just doing the Untangled course has brought up a lot of grief and fear which I am journalling about, which I am finding very helpful. My aim is not to reach perfection – but simply learn how to become better at being my own “champion comforter” so that I am secure enough wihtin myself to reach out to others and… when I do get “hurt”, (appropriately if that makes sense) to know that it’s o.k. it’s just part of the human deal. To be healed enough to know that so many are struggling and that it’s a very untrue narrative in my head that most others know what/how/when to do “it” except me… I would love to be free to truly do the following: 1) tolerate – then to move onto 2) understand – and finally to be free enough to 3) truly love – this journey incorporating those 3 steps is my deepest heart’s desire. At the moment I still struggle with even tolerating!!!!!! There you go, LOL. However, I very willing to learn and I want to keep blossoming even if it’s only one petal at a time!!!
So incredible, Karly. Such a comprehensive look at the entire picture– but the deepest roots of that picture. What a gift.
Hi……After deciding to cut out sugar from my diet to conserve energy, balance my hormones, and lose weight, I spent the last day and a half conducting research as to what to expect and how to ensure success. Although I agree with many things you said regarding becoming sugar free, from one writer to another, I’d like to point out you have several inconsistencies within your post. The first is a simple one which states you were in Barnes & Noble, but then mentions “library patrons”. The second is when you speak of having 4 children but then state you had 3 naturally, and “the last 2, at home”. That was a bit confusing to me, as it could be misled to having 5 children or perhaps you had all 4 naturally but then also, 2 of the 4 naturally and at home. Please do not mistake my critique for negative criticism. I just feel that if hundred of women are going to look to you for advice, which it seems they have, the message should maintain clear congruency. In addition, you give many facts but provide no research or citation back-up. I know I would appreciate resources to have been cited so I may continue on in my search for answers regarding this topic. Lastly, to say we need “attachment” as a means to an end to overcome overeating and/or a sugar addiction seems to have a lot of co-dependent tendencies. This is only my personal opinion of course. I did take away some positive information from your post, however, I did wish to share a few constructive thoughts. Thank you for you time and consideration.
Best regards to all,
Sara
I'm so glad you posted this because I just realized the other day that even if I'm not eating, I still hold a lot of my stress in my mouth. I clench my jaw or my teeth and I don't always realize I'm doing it (until I finally relax and then have a sore jaw!).
I have been following Karly's work for a little over a year and have benefitted from it greatly. The gentleness to self that Karly teaches was foreign to me until beginning this work. From my personal experience I think Karly hit the bullseye with the article about attachment. I think what most rang true for me was the comparison of longing for food the way we'd long for the nuturance of a loving, caring parent. When I read this line I was stunned by the truth in it. Luckily I had my meeting with the two girls I met at Geneen Roth's retreat the same night and they had the same reaction. The three of us absolutely agreed with Karly's eye opening article. Some of the comments we had were, "heartstopping" and "deer in the headlight".
I've been working with a program called Inner Bonding that actually has a six step process that is a bridge to attaching to yourself. It has been a wonderful experience and is right in line with what Karly talks about. More can be found at innerbonding.com if interested. It teaches a dialogue between your inner child, loving adult and spiritual guidance.
Many, many sweet wishes to all. As always, thank you Karly.
This entry is so beautiful. I've not been a member long here, but I have come back to it numerous times, and as I am becoming more aware of myself, I've taken more and more from the words here. It has such insight and I am really appreciating it.
This is the entry that spoke to my heart the most. I read it over a month ago and I still think about it all the time. I had done alot of the emotional work associated with overeating a few years ago but this post made me think about my relationships and the walls I put up to control disappointments. Even though it caused me alot of physical pain in the end sugar and chocolate never disappointed me 'in the moment'.
Since giving up sugar I have been working on my attachments with people instead of food and sugar. Hugs are definately better than drugs! I think this has benefited my whole family.
I'm working on a blog about my journey. It's main focus will be on sugar-free/low sugar baking and living the sugar-free life in a sugar divided household, not so much the menta/emotional process but I plan on linking this blog post at some point. Is that's okay?
I feel happy that this article resonated with you.
When a good friend was describing her healing journey to me, she said, "I want to tear down walls and set boundaries." I've been reflecting on this idea ever since.
I agree with your comments about sugar never disappointing in the moment – that was my experience, too. Food never disappoints – it soothes without any vulnerability. It asks nothing of us. Human relationships ask us to be vulnerable, they open us up to being hurt – and *loved.*
You are more than welcome to share this post – or any that resonate with you – on your blog. In fact, I'd be honored. Truly, truly honored.
In love and care, Karly
Yes, I want more on this attachment subject. It spoke right to my heart.
Thanks for all you do.
Jill B
Thank you for this information. No one understands this problem. People feel sorry for alcoholics, smokers, anorexics etc but laugh at over weight people. We are viewed as lazy and disgusting, embarrassing to our spouses. If people make fun of an anorexic person they get mad, an over weight person, fodder for humiliating jokes. For a lot of men it is all about looks, not what is inside. If women got support from their husbands who realize the struggle they go thru daily they have a compassionate and caring husband that loves them. If not, they have an insensitive moron who emotionally abuses them. Did they marry their wife for love or her weight? If love then it should still prevail and they will get the needed help from their spouse. If not, he is a total looser.
I think what would be most helpful is learning how to meet our deep attachment needs…when we are alone. When we find ourselves in a position where we have no support or no one. Or when our great, fantastic supports…are going through hard times themselves and thus not able to offer as much support. I do go to a counsellor, so that’s one great support, but I find that everyone else in my life is going through so much that they don’t have the capacity to bear MY stuff too. Even just to listen. My husband is fabulous -but lately has been really fragile, going through his own depressions and frustrations, my mom is frail and falling apart because of work, and so has lower capacity to support…etc. Yes, DEEP ATTACHMENT IS A NEED. But realistically, when we reach out, there’s not always someone there to listen, or support, or lend a hand, or care. Yes -people find community in “online forums”. But no -I’m talking really nourishing our attachment needs -realistically not all of us have people in our lives who are able to meet our needs. Not all of us have a friend’s shoulder to cry on. So how do we meet these attachment needs when we ARE ALONE? I expect somewhat of a response will take on the flavour of “you probably feel as though you have to be the “rock”, whereas people appreciate authenticity and transparency, and so even if someone else is struggling, they can still appreciate listening to your struggle, etc”. But that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s almost the opposite. That I’ve been struggling with eating disorders for 10 years now, since I was 16, and you know what that means? No one asks anymore. No one really cares anymore. Friends around me know I constantly break down over my weight, they know because I am DESPERATE for people to know my pain, to care…but do they ask? do they follow up? do they really want to listen anymore? No!
I think this is one of the most enlightening blogs I've ever read. It makes so much sense.
Thank you so much for all the effort you put in writing it. Bless you.
this article spoke to me because it has been true for me. when i was younger, i was judged and compared to others alot and felt deeply flawed eventhough I was skinny. now I am married with a lil boy, I am overweight, i still feel vulnerable and judged all the time for being overweight. All my improvements in myself such as further education and career as though are meaningless when Ive never felt secured and deserving to be loved. i dont remember being hugged as a child and eventhough as an adult, hugs are still rare and few. my substitution for the hugs are creamy drinks and foods that remind me of a happier time in my childhood. its hard to detach from that safe assurance, depended on all your life.
Oh my….you hit the nail on the head. I cried softly when I read this. It was like you were writing my thoughts. Thank you for your beautiful work, and shedding light on to such a painful topic. my emontional needs went unmet in my childhood. Thank you for telling me that I can make changes, and that this isn't my lot. I have had food issues for the last 6 years. I couldn't believe when they crept up on me, because I never had food/weight issues previously. Awareness is a huge key towards paving the recovery road. I will remain unconditionally loving to myself. Thank you so much.
Wow. This is so powerful. What an amazing insight this is. For so many areas, not only overeating. : )
Dearest Esther,
I'm so glad this was healing for you. Yes, I think many of our compulsive behaviors arise out of insecure attachment – hoarding is one that immediately comes to mind. We are such tender creatures, who need care, connection and holding. And so much compassion…
In love and care, Karly
I just read this again. Simply amazing. Truly incredible.
Karly, I enjoyed your article very much! For what it's worth, I am a middle-aged male…and over-eating is not my struggle. However your words seem to hit home with me in reference to a self-esteem issue I've struggled with for most of my life. I believe this struggle has manifested itself in a few 'habits' I'd like to change in my life; not the least of which is failed relationships.
I know this is perhaps a bit off track with your over-eating article (and maybe not), but wanted to thank you for your words and think you have a lot to offer both male & female folks struggling with such topics. I don't read a lot, but would be curious to know if you have any books on these issues and/or will be in the future?
Thanks again!
Hi Bear,
I’m so glad this article gave you clarity about yourself. I’ve found that attachment theory gave me a much deeper understanding of my habits, patterns and tendencies, too.
If you’d like to read more on attachment theory and relationships, there are some fabulous books that I’ve found helpful.
Attached – http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/
Hold Me Tight – http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/
Wired for Love – http://www.amazon.com/Wired-Love-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship/dp/1608820580/
Becoming Attached – http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Attached-First-Relationships-Capacity/dp/0195115015/
I hope that helps!
Warmly, Karly
joan liedloff, the continuum concept… was for me the first BIG realizing of the hidden bu still present NEED of secure attachement… still solving the question of being a fraud while wanting to help the other to heal themselves… but also feel that there is a need 'in the air' of attachement from mostly all of us, so I say to myself… that to provide 'secure arms' to each other, no matter where we are on our jurneys to freedom, is the basic of all succesfull healings. We can grow only all together.
and THANK YOU from the heart for this post, Karly
You're so welcome, Nat. In love and care, Karly
Dear Nat,
Ah, it sounds like understanding your need for secure attachment was a big piece of the puzzle for you, too! I'm so glad this gave your heart healing.
I love how you describe attachment: as providing "secure arms" for each other. So lovely, Nat.
And yes, we can only grow together – that's what my attachment mentor, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, has taught me. He describes it as "coming alongside" – that we come alongside our loved ones when they need support or when the pain feels too much to bear on their own. He normalized healthy dependence for me in all my relationships and helped me feel okay about needing someone to come alongside me, or about my reaching out to a loved one when they need me to come alongside them. I'm so grateful for him.
In love and care, Karly
I have been dealing with binge eating since I was a child, I had an awakening this year and have made great leaps in my life, But the answer to my reliance on food has been unclear and the past few weeks all consuming, every article I read just didn't feel true to me. In Devine right timing I came across your post which I resonate with whole heartedly, You've given me an understanding of my "why" which gives me direction to heal well with this once and for all. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Thank-you very much, Lisette.
Hi Lisette,
I'm so glad this post was helpful to you. I've found that for many people who struggle with food, learning about the attachment connection brings the relief of insight – ah, finally, that's what's been going on…. If you found this post helpful, you might be interested in my newest program, When Food is Your Mother, that's being released in January of 2014. It dives deeply into attachment and how to use attachment to heal the roots of food addiction and compulsion. You can learn more at my new site, the new home of First Ourselves – growinghumankindness.com. Warmly, Karly
Karly,
What can I more accurately say than “you’ve got it!” You have written so eloquently of what’s at the core of (what I agree with you is) all addictive behaviors including food addictions because what lies in common underneath them all is the same: a need for unconditional love and belonging. Oh, the possibilities for each and every one of us whose inner child hurts if we could all come together to give and receive that non-judgmental love. Thank you for your posts that inspire me to do the deep excavating and loving work of personal growth and detachment from food.
Good morning.
I saw this being shared on Facebook and was reluctant to read it at first.
Security is definitely an issue with me. But it’s more along the lines of loss….. everyone I love moves away or dies.
This started when I was a child, my mums mum died when I was 5. We were so close. Then my other grandparents moved away when I was 7. Then my parents divorced when I was 11… there’s more, a lot more but for the sake of time I”ll stop. I’m also the only child of my whole family. No siblings, no cousins.
Does this tie in with what you’re saying?
Kind regards
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for writing and sharing. Your experience makes so much sense – yes, many experiences of loss can impact our sense of security. Security – in the form of loving, connected, safe, attached relationships – is our primary, basic human need.
Every time we go through a loss, we face separation – a disconnection. When there’s too much loss/separation, and the vulnerability is more than we can bear, the brain moves into a protective mode, to protect us from too much pain. It does this to preserve functioning.
One of the ways it protects us is by finding something less vulnerable to “reattach to.” Because our need for security is so preeminent, the brain doesn’t stand idly by – it looks for another way to reconnect, to attach. Food/overeating can be a way to “reattach,” to feel safe.
There are many things that can influence that tipping point – when the vulnerability becomes too much to bear. One of the most frequent ones that I see is sensitivity. A more sensitive person is generally more deeply impacted by loss and separation than someone who’s not as sensitive. And yes, many people who struggle with overeating are highly sensitive. It’s not that the high sensitivity causes overeating, it’s simply that they are more deeply impacted by things that can lead to overeating.
Warmly, Karly
I’ve stumbled upon this article whilst seeking some answers – thank you so much. I feel like you’ve read my soul. And all it’s flaws. It makes complete sense. Not sure on how to fix it entirely but admission is the first step and Jesus is the Divine Physician. Gotta keep asking the Lord!
Hi Jo,
Welcome – thank you for sharing, and I’m glad the article makes much sense to you. For many people their spirituality is a key component of their healing with food, whether their particular path be Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or another. It sounds like that is the case for you.
I’ve heard that this book is a good match for those who want a Christian perspective/understanding, and thought it might be something that speaks to you.
Made to Crave –
https://www.amazon.com/Made-Crave-Satisfying-Deepest-Desire/dp/031029326X