I wrote this post in February of 2010, after writing my book Overcoming Sugar Addiction. When I first wrote my book in 2007, I thought my relationship with sugar was healed. I felt strong and empowered; resilient. A few years later, I was shocked and surprised when I found myself struggling – and really struggling – with sugar again.
I felt ashamed and wanted to hide. I did, for a bit. And then I wrote about my struggle.
Years later, when I read this post, I feel so much compassion for myself. I can feel the frustration and exhaustion underneath my words. I see a worn out woman who could use a hug and a good cry. I see how hard I pushed myself when things got hard, how much I felt like I “should always have it together,” how much I tried to tough it out. I see how hard I worked to fix myself.
I see things differently now, and I see healing differently now. As a song sings, “You don’t have to try so hard…..” And yet this post stands – for it was true when I wrote it. It is a part of my journey.
What do you do when you’re stuck in a cycle of bingeing or overeating? When you’re knee deep in sugar or food and you can’t find your way out? These questions may be your story – where you find yourself today. These questions are where I find myself, too.
These questions arrived at my own front door last week, in the form of a can of raisins.
Raisins are my all time favorite binge food. I can justify until the cows come home why I can eat them (after all, they’re not sugar, they’re natural, they’re healthy, they have fiber, heck, they’re even organic.) But when I eat raisins, I eat a whole can. And I know, when I’m eating a whole can of raisins, that I am not honoring my truth.
And that hurts. And that is what happened last week.
Last week I was recording an audio version of Overcoming Sugar Addiction. As I was reading my book, I was struck by how much I’ve learned about my relationship with sugar.
And yet I was also struck by how I haven’t been doing what I learned. I have not been using my own tools. I have not been grounding myself. I have not been nurturing myself nearly enough. I have not mourned the losses that have been staring me in the face for a year, and which came to a head last week.
I have pushed and pushed and pushed myself with work, with doing too much, with my need to feel important and worthy and special, and the result was a raisin binge and overeating.
So, I’m going back to base camp. I’m going back to grounding. I’m mourning my losses. I’m facing the fear and groundlessness that I feel right now in selling my home, in starting over financially, and in facing the unknown terror of change. I’ll do my best to do these things without food, my crutch, but I know I can’t do it alone.
That has been my major problem. I do it alone - especially when I’m doing it badly. When I’m struggling, I keep it to myself. I don’t tell anyone. I hide.
I don’t want to show my failures. As Christina Sell so brilliantly said in her book, Yoga From The Inside Out, I would much rather appear healed than actually be healed.
I am still so rigidly attached to the linear line, the upward line of success and success followed by more success. I want that giant check box to be marked, Done. Healed.
I don’t want to accept my squiggly line, my bumps and bruises. I don’t want to accept that, yes, things are falling apart. Instead I try and hide the mess, pretend things aren’t falling apart, and try and put everything back together again as quickly as possible before anyone else sees. (After all, I won’t need to tell anyone about the mess if I can clean it up fast enough. They wont know.)
So, here I am, with my mess, with things falling apart, back in grounding, back in base camp. If anything, I’ve been here before. I know the drill. And I know that it, too, is in its own way, a beginning. A thing of hope. As Pema Chodron writes, when things fall apart, they always come back together again. One more spin around the circle.
I’m sorry to hear about your recent stuggle, Karly, so I thought I’d share a little with you. I’m an Australian living in Paris with my French husband. I too, have stuggled with sugar addiction for as long as I can remember. Over the past year I’ve grown alot, and begun searching for answers – not just about weight problems, but about my insecurities and issues getting close to people. Your articles have really helped me to get in touch with how I’m feeling and what my needs are in the present. I’m still recovering, but my sugar addiction is playing a smaller and smaller role in my life. Today my husband left for Hong Kong. I’ll be joining him in 5 days, which means not only am I now responsible for moving everything myself, I have the stress of beginning ANOTHER completely new life. After he left, I moped around for a while. I knew eating was inevitable, but I took it slowly. I ate high protein sugar free pancakes, seeds, greek yogurt and 85% cocoa sugar free chocolate. I happy because those foods won’t trigger a binge cycle. I don’t feel sick and bloated, I actually feel quite good, although I don’t have the energy to go to the gym, but that’s more emotional than physical. I knew what I was doing, why, and what the impact would be. But I accepted that and chose not to punish myself for it. That’s the first time it’s happened like that and it’s largely thanks to your kind and loving words. Don’t punish yourself, you’re doing so much good, you’ve helped me so much!
Karly,
Its very refreshing to hear you be honest. The paradox here is you can be both extremely influential/inspiring to others AND still be human. As I've heard it said before…"grace is one beggar sharing bread with another." Thanks for sharing the "bread" of your life with us. We are all in the same beautiful mess!
-Julia
Karly, this article, as much if not more than all your other wonderful articles, helps me immensely. I had had a pizza-related set back (due to overwork) that started on Saturday and ended yesterday w/sweets (after 5 weeks of blissful, grounded, non sugar eating!). The only thing I could think was, how does Karly do it? How does she not binge? Then I loggedon and was shocked to find that you succumb to raisins sometimes too! The fact that you were so honest gives me renewed strength and courage … as you've said, it's in the journey, the pain, that we find strength and learn! Now, instead of feeling bad, I'm thinking … this is truly a learning experience, that's what life is all about … bring on the challenges so I can face them 🙂 (with help!). THANK YOU!
Thank you, Nicole, for your kind words. I am so inspired by your story – to show yourself kindness and love and compassion, to honor your needs, to find that balance between comfort eating and bingeing. I am so glad you shared your story. I can only imagine the chaos of moving across the world – and feeling it all on your shoulders. You are a strong woman to handle that, Nicole, and I'm grateful to be a part of your life.
XOXO, Karly
Thank you, Julia, for writing in. I love your quote about grace and sharing the same beautiful mess. It is quite beautiful, isn't it, when we share it? It is suffocating and paralyzing when I don't. Thank you for the gentle reminder. Where would any of us be without grace? Love? Each other? I know where I am without these things: in the pit of suffering and self absorption. As Rumi wrote, why do we stay in prison when the door is wide open? Your words were just what I needed today. Thank you, Julia, for reaching out so tenderly.
XOXO, Karly
Lisa, Thank you for sharing your story and for reminding me that I don't have to be perfect to travel this journey with you. I love that my mistakes help you just as much as my "success." After my terrible week, I realized that I need to find the middle way. How can I find a joyful, nourishing way to eat – for life? One that meets my needs so that I don't need to binge to fill them? One that doesn't feel depriving – the flip side of indulgence? I'll keep you posted on what I discover. In the meantime, it feels good knowing we are all journeying together.
XOXO, Karly
Hi Karly:
Your story about the can of raisins really resonated with me. My weakness is M&Ms (plain or peanut, it doesn’t matter). I, too, am not only addicted to sugar, but am also a “foodaholic.” For years, I was beating myself up because I could not understand why some people can eat one or two cookies, donuts, cupcakes, etc., and I had to have a dozen cookies or at least three or four donuts or cupcakes. I have spent most of my life trying to deny this fact, but have finally embraced it, because this is who I am. I now live my life one day at a time. I no longer concern myself with yesterday, because it is gone. I do not concern myself with tomorrow, because it is not here yet. This forces me to live “in the moment.” I do whatever it takes to stay on my chosen path of eating–a low carb way of life. Whether it be saying no to certain restaurants, or not participating in office pot lucks, I do these things for me. I also keep an hour a day after work for exercise. My stationary recumbent bike keeps me sane. (I have already worn out two exercise bikes in the last ten years.) The other positive is that I love to read, so I spend 55 minutes every day exercising and reading. After that, I do my weights and I am done, feeling refreshed and knowing I just did something fantastic for my body, mind and soul. In closing, I keep a small piece of paper on my desk with a wonderful Yiddish proverb, which reads “Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” This proverb has provided me with more inspiration than I could have possibly imagined. I hope it works for you and the others on First Ourselves.
Good Morning Karly,
I have had you bookmarked in my favorites and check in every once in a while. Well, this morning happened to be the day and I came across “your story”. I love the part about “admitting the mess will create more mess.” I feel the same way in my own life. I also feel like I have to keep it all together all the time or it will all be real. All of the imperfect situations and just all of the “stuff”.
It is so hard to accept the squiggly line, but deep down , no matter how good it all actually gets we do know somewhere deep down that the squiggly line is somewhere lurking to rear it’s ugly head. Thank you so much for your honesty. I know it was not easy for you to share your story, but by doing so, you made us all know that no matter what…..it will never be perfect. Good luck with all that sits on your plate. Thanks for giving so much of yourself. So, when you are ready to complete your project…we will all still be here to support you!
Hey Karly…your sister here… before I share my comments I want to share with you a couple of quotes that made me think about you.
If you shut your door to all errors truth will be shut out. ~Rabindranath Tagore, Stray Birds, 1916
A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. ~James Joyce, Ulysses
I love the second one the most because to me you are a genius…and the reason why you have been able to create so many opportunities a from all those "portals of discovery"… ie binges or struggles that you have had in the past. I don't think that any of want the pressure of being perfect on this journey and you sharing this is really helps us identify with you more and for others can pull you off of this pedestal that they may have had you on. Thanks for being PERFECTLY……..HUMAN…
We Love You… Carllie
Anyhoo
Karly,
You are an amazing woman. You inspire me from all your writing – that which tells of success and that which tells of failure – all of it is honest sharing, the ups and downs of life just like the wave on an EKG. I have to remind myself of that truth also frequently – flat-lining it when we're up still = dead!
It's good to know that wonderful heart of yours is still beating…and you know where to find me when you need that in person hug.
Sent with much love and gratitude for you.
Hi Carllie,
I love the quotes you shared, especially the one by Tagore. Thank you for writing and sharing your wisdom and support. The crack is how the light gets in, as Leonard Cohen wrote…. You are a precious spirit, Carllie. XOXO, Karly
Hi Sharon, Thank you so much for writing and sharing your story. I love the Yiddish proverb you shared (Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.) It is very wise, and very true. I would much rather let it all go to pot, eat to oblivion, and start over tomorrow than do what needs doing today – walk away from the raisins. You are an example and an inspiration to me, and I'm so glad we met here. XOXO, Karly
Hi Amy,
Thank you for writing, for reading, and for cheering me on. I was touched by your heartfelt comment, and I'm glad that what I wrote resonated with you. We are all on the squiggly line together! Much love, Karly
Barbara,
Thank you for your kind words and for writing in. I love the metaphor about the EKG. I always think about what you told me once – that when we have it all "together" it usually means that we're dead, having learned all we need to learn in this world. Smile. That always helps me release that expectation that I need to be more "together" or "fixed" to be okay. You warmed my heart today. XOXO, Karly
Karly,
I have never posted a comment on ANYTHING before–but when I saw that you were requesting encouragement, I wanted to write.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with me and many, many others. I have explored several paths in my own healing journey–and realized that they all ultimately, in some form or another, all come down to self care and self love. This has become the focus of my own personal growth–the lens that I use to assess my choices (when I have the awareness to actually assess them!) I was thrilled to find your website and the wealth of information available, and more importantly, to know that you ‘get’ how important self care is and how one’s life is rooted in that. The work you do is so, so valuable and very appreciated. In this post, I can really relate to the wanting to ‘check off’ healing. Its amazing to me how many times my core ‘stuff’ comes up for another look, another chance to heal on an even greater level. Often I forget that self care and healing are a practice–an ongoing process–and that the practice will look very different at different times…that its okay that I forgot to do what I learned at one time and used, and then somehow forgot about or thought I didn’t need anymore. I also find it fascinating to notice if the things that I am doing are out of actual self care or if it is because I have made those things into goals in my self care practice. (A part of my personality is VERY good at achieving things I set out to do even if I forgot what my true intent was in the first place). I am starting to meander–but wanted to say that over the past year, self care has become my PASSION! And finding your website and all of your work has inspired me to honor that passion in many, many ways!
With gratitude,
kristen
Karly, I just now read your message from February and thought I'd send you a little note in April to say, simply, thank you for your honesty. I hope that "base camp" has been serving you well these past few months and you feel stronger and happier and healthier, mentally, emotionally, and physically, than you did in February. With Spring finally here, the birds, flowers, sunshine, sprinkling rain and me are all supporting you in your journey every day. Thank you for supporting me, as well, just by sharing yourself and your journey so beautifully. You are truly a beautiful and loving spirit whom I feel blessed to know. Much love to you on your ongoing journey! Esther
Hi Kristen,
Thank you for your kind words. I loved hearing how self-care has become your passion. I agree! I have always been very driven, very goal oriented, very in tune with the masculine side of my nature – I could relate so much to what you shared. Self-care has helped me balance that drive with a softer, feminine energy – receiving vs. driving; caretaking vs. doing; listening vs. acting. The side benefit is that I feel in touch with myself – with my deepest being. For years I felt so out of touch with myself. Honoring my feminine has brought me back home. It sounds like you are on a similar path. XO, Karly
Hi Esther,
That February binge was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It led me to some additional tools (like Donna Gates The Body Ecology Diet, which has helped me get to a deeper level of physical well being) and forced me to pause and figure out why I felt so out of control. And I hear you on spring – much needed after my winter – a winter on many, many levels. I think, in retrospect, that I was still hoping to have that continual upward line of progress – that I wanted to believe that I was done, that I could check off that big giant box labeled, "Healed." I didn't want to honor my own process, which like the seasons, means going through winter, darkness, and loss. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement – I love sharing the journey together. XO, Karly
Hey Karly, your recount of "your squiggly line" reminds me of something a wise friend drew for me. He drew on a tiny napkin, what life "was". He drew a line that went up and down like a graph from when they test your heart. If you have life, then your chart line goes up and down, NORMAL, if the line flat lines then there's no LIFE. Keep going Karly, as the Japanese proverb goes,"fall down seven times, get up eight".
Tony
Ooh, I love this, Tony. Wonderful. Thank you for sharing this beautiful image with me – I love how you connected life with the heart, what it's all about for me. I am grateful for your kind thoughts and encouragement. XO, Karly
Glad you liked it :D, thank my wise friend for coming up with it, the whole heart thing was his, stay strong.
Hi Karly,
I just discovered your site today in preparing to go off sugar. In the past year, I had crazy medical problems that culminated in surgical complications that almost destroyed my intestines. I was encouraged to follow a strict gluten and dairy free diet and start eating meat. This was a huge transition for me, and I did not always follow it faithfully. I committed to the gluten and dairy free part fully a little over six weeks ago, and going off sugar is the next part.
I have had a really difficult year (my marriage also fell apart when I got ill, I lived in several states, new temporary job, looking for new job, the list could go on…). How have I handled it? Sugar binges. Like your raisin story, I’d tell myself, “it’s vegan,” or “it’s agave,” or whatever. I am active and thin, so on the surface it appears that I don’t have a problem. However, my moods are uncontrollable, and I reach for multiple healthy treats in a row.
In addition to helping me with the food part of things, your post and the comments that followed are miracles. I recently received spiritual guidance to embrace my feminine, and your above comment was a sign.
This was a really lengthy comment, but a huge thanks for putting yourself out there. If your program is anything near as helpful to me as this post, I will be a very lucky woman.
All Blessings.
Michelle
I honor your courage to be seen, and to bravely threaten your ego's investment in "appearing healed". So much of leadership is pulling back the curtain and showing the messiness of our lives so that others understand that to be the central creative forces in our lives, we have to willing reveal and work on the areas that need healing. And as you so poignantly stated, healing doesn't take place in a vacuum. Brava! I send you encouragement and support on this leg of your journey.
XO
Karly,
I came across your website and book in March. I have struggled with sugar addiction for over 25 years and have had some healing but was still binging at times. After a binge in March I guess I hit another bottom.. and I found your website and book. I have not binged or eaten sugar for all this time which is a first for me. I will say to you what you said to me. We need to find other ways to nuture ourselves. I have to heal from my emotional addiction to sugar. That is really it. I also recently read a book called “In the realm of hungry ghosts” by Dr. Gabor Mate who works with addicts. He talks about brain connections that need to be made when we are young, one of which is for self-soothing. If it isn’t made (and usually isn’t with addiction)we will continually try to soothe ourselves to survive. It is a natural inclination. We need it. Sugar and other comfort foods act like opioids in the brain and we get soothed. We are trying to replace those chemical synapses that didn’t get connected. So we do need to learn self-soothing. That has helped me when I want to reach for sugar. And then I ask myself “Do I want a life or do I want sugar?” and see what the answer is. Thanks so much for your wonderful honesty. It’s a wild, wacky, wonderful journey that we do alone, together. Lots of love and hang in.
Hi Lynn,
Thank you for reaching out and for your kind comments. I love the synchronicity of your comment. One of the teachers that has had a huge influence on me is Gordon Neufeld and his work with attachment parenting. Gordon is a co-author and good friend of Gabor.
You are wise and spot on regarding self-soothing. So much of what I have felt challenged with – particularly as a very sensitive being – is soothing myself. A beautiful reminder.
I love hearing about your freedom from sugar. I celebrate with you.
XO, Karly
Hi there Karly, and everyone else reading this. I’m lying in bed, just having found this website, after a massive binge, after a day which was supposed to be the first of a 21 day break the sugar-cycle….
I’ve done it before, recently and before that as well, but always with the goal to lose weight. The problem is that I’ not particularly overweight, which is why I receive absolutely no support from friends or family, who all say I’m just silly with my strange eating habits and can’t I just eat like a normal person? As you say – One piece of chocolate can do no harm, right..
So I’ve gone through periods of no wheat, dairy or sugar, and been very “good”. I’ve exercised to the point where I’ve damaged my body. I am a walking encyclopedia on diets, GI, eating regularly, good fats and lean protein. I think about food non-stop. When I eat, I look at the clock to see when I am allowed to eat again (in three hours time).
I’m 28 and I’ve been bingeing on sugar since I was 15. That’s 13 years of wasted time feeling rotten about myself because I weigh about 5 kilos more than I want. Obviously the weight is not my real issue but something deeper.
So, am very excited about this. I know I can kick sugar short term as I’ve done so before, but how do it long term? It’s so scary to think that I can never ever have an ice cream in the summertime or a cup of hot cocoa in the wintertime again! Does it really have to come to that? Please help! I appreciate all the support I can get.
Lou
Tonight my heart started beating faster. I am prone to anxiety, but tonight as I sat with it I looked back at my day where I had too much sugar from food I had made. One item was cereal fruit and nut bars which has some very healthy ingredients but also contains corn syrup and sugar. I had decided I needed to use up the corn syrup which I bought to make watermelon sorbet. I even wondered why you had to add corn syrup and sugar to watermelon which is plenty sweet on its own. At any rate I've made both things which I have eaten. I think my body is telling something so I am ordering your book with anticipation.
Regards.
Linda
A peilasngly rational answer. Good to hear from you.
Karly,
You are turing my life around. I am a mother of four, just like you. I have a history of anxiety, like you. I spent a couple of decades mired in binge eating disorder, seen more therapists then I can remember — and now at the age of 46, in the midst of doing my yoga teacher training, I am realizing I am sugar sensitive… The last three days of my life (following your advice, off sugar) have been the best in recent memory. For once in my life I am not fighting with my body. The natural sugars that once made up a huge part of my diet (fruit and dried fruit) are now limited and balanced with protein and healthy fats. I am in awe. I am astounded. After reading everything under the sun (for years) and therapy (for years) and an anti-anxiety drug (for years) — something is changing. I am watching my body, observing, not judging, and just as I started this process… I found your website and embraced your philosophies all of them — Compassion for the self has been something I have worked on for many years. My self-nurturing practices are solid. The balancing of my blood sugar levels (which i never considered seriously enough or consistently enough) seems to be the missing piece of this puzzle. I am on a journey now and you are holding my hand and leading the way. I have so much gratitude for you tonight, Karly. You are a beautiful writer and a most thoughtful woman. I have found you and I will not let you go.
Namaste.
angela