Welcoming emptiness

Needing – feeling empty, lonely, overwhelmed, or hungry for connection – is such a vulnerable state. Just saying the word ‘needy’ can make us cringe and hide.

I was talking to a loved one the other day, and they were saying how hard it is for them to admit that they feel afraid. They would rather be called irrational than scared.

The state that’s hard for me to bear is loneliness. This brings to mind a time in college where I lived apart from friends and loved ones for a summer and soothed myself with food and Diet Cokes. When a friend pointed out how lonely I was, I wanted to hide under the floorboards!

Most of us have a hard time with emptiness in some shape or form – with feelings of need, missing, pain, fear, hunger, lack, or vulnerability. These feelings feel ‘bad,’ which can make us feel bad.

When we feel lonely, scared, or hurt, or when we hunger for the safety, nervous system support, or connection that we receive from food, we can judge ourselves for needing. We may feel like we should be having a ‘better’ experience.

We may feel like we’re doing something wrong because we feel scared, hurt or empty.

To compensate, we may rush to try and fill ourselves so the empty feelings can go away. There’s a million ways to do this. We may fill ourselves with food. We may fill ourselves with self improvement plans.

For a loved one, this looks like buying a new work outfit when they face difficulties in their job. For me, it can look like trying to make my feelings more ‘positive’ when I feel lonely, scared or sad.

We’re so afraid of emptiness, as if it’s a judgment saying something negative about us. But emptiness is a part of the cycle of life. Emptiness and satiation are like the in and out breath: they dance and move from one to another, a symbiotic flow.

We need feelings of emptiness, just as we need feelings of fullness: they’re part of a complete cycle and serve a purpose. We can’t direct our lives so that we live in one half of the cycle and always feel full. That would be like breathing by only exhaling.

It was surprising and helpful for me to learn that emptiness serves a powerful purpose.

Feeling lonely or empty moves us to connect. Feeling hungry moves us to eat – whether our bodies are needing physical, emotional or spiritual food. Feeling sad moves us to mourn and grieve. Craving moves us to tend to the hurting places that live underneath our urges.

When we welcome our emptiness it has the power to move us, over and over, into relationship and connection. This understanding of emptiness brings dignity and respect to our neediness. It also brings some room where our painful ideals – all the ways we think we shouldn’t need – can gently fade away.

As Wayne Muller writes, rather than “tearing apart who we are,” we can begin with “a more merciful practice….of acceptance.” This is where we begin: with what’s here.

The next time you feel empty or hungry, pause. Let your experience rest, and be. Breathe with your emptiness and make as much space as you can for it. Allow yourself to drink in oxygen, to drink in love, to drink in connection. Feel yourself be empty, and then be filled.