One of the most frustrating experiences with overeating – or any painful coping strategy – is when we want to change, and have the desire to change, but aren’t able to ‘hold on’ to our intention.
You may experience this in your own life – maybe you start the day hopeful about not bingeing only to find yourself eating late at night, when you feel exhausted by the day’s tasks and long for soothing.
We can blame this on a lack of impulse control. But it’s helpful to understand what a ‘lack of impulse control’ is pointing to – otherwise we can criticize, shame, and blame ourselves when we’re not able to ‘do better.’
What impulse control is really about
Why do we struggle to hold onto our good intentions? Why does this happen? There are a couple scenarios that can be going on. Many times, it’s because we’re feeling one set of feelings or desires but are missing the other.
In order to have impulse control we need to be able to mix our feelings – to feel more than one feeling at the same time. We often feel a mix of many feelings – there may be a part of you that feels overwhelmed and wants the relief of sugar. And there may be another part of you that feels cautious about overeating and wants to pause.
This mix of feelings creates inner conflict, and it’s this inner conflict – the capacity to hold the tension of these two feelings – that leads to impulse control.
When we feel both the impulse to binge and the caution not to, this helps us say no to the chocolate. Holding this tension of opposites leads to a third thing. For example, when we can feel both our frustration about our overeating and our caring for ourselves at the same time, we feel patience.
Feeling our mixed feelings can be really uncomfortable
Feeling the dissonance and tension of our mixed emotions can be really uncomfortable, and it stretches us! I find it helpful to normalize this discomfort – for the discomfort can have us worry that we’re doing something wrong.
No – this is our higher brain (our prefrontal cortex) tempering our feelings.
When we’re non integrative and don’t have our mixed feelings – when all we can feel is the impulse to binge – this is when we need rituals, structure and support to hold us.
It takes a lot of energy for the brain to mix our feelings. So at the end of the day, when we’re tired, it’s no wonder that this is when we lose our patience, impulse control, or emotional equilibrium.
I can think of many times when I’ve been really frustrated, my caring feels absent, and I recognize, “Hmm….this is not the time to have a dessert. Or “this is not the time to have that difficult conversation.”
I realize that my mixed feelings are absent – I’ll either overdo the dessert, lose my temper, or say something I’ll regret later. Sometimes I’m able to pause, sometimes not! Either way, whether it’s a ‘success’ or ‘failure’ (lots of them for me!) we develop, grow, learn and build a relationship with our limits.
When our mixed feelings are absent, this is also when we can lean on others for support. They can help us remember the ‘on the other hand’ – for example, the part of us that doesn’t want to binge. Our entire nervous system can relax as it feels held by this support – we don’t have to remember and hold our intentions on our own.
The vulnerability of feeling
Feeling our feelings is vulnerable. Feeling our mixed feelings is vulnerable. Facing our limits is vulnerable.
The urge to binge can be so strong or intense that we may not want to pause and feel the ‘on the other hand.’ Facing the no’s in our lives – no, I don’t want to say that thing I’ll later regret, or no, I don’t want to eat what I’ll later regret – can be painful.
It may feel like everything in us wants to binge in that moment! Pausing and feeling the mix takes courage and strength.
I think feeling our mixed feelings is a form of love. Because we love, we want to temper our anger and not say the hurtful words that can wound. Because we love, we yearn to temper our frustration and fear and be patient with the immature parts of ourselves, and others.
And because we love, we long to forgive ourselves and others (a big mixed feeling!) when we can’t meet our own expectations, when we make mistakes, and when we temporarily lose our way. We feel the disappointment and grief and take the next step forward.
And when we’re tired, or exhausted, or feel like we can’t bear one more thing, that’s when we ask for help and reach out for support. We remember, “Oh, others feel this, too! This is what it means to be human. This is part of being human.”
We fall back into the ‘arms we can never fall out of’ – the compassion that holds each of us – and we rest. And when we’ve recovered, we try again.
Some free resources that may interest you:
There are so many people doing beautiful work in the world, and I wanted to share some of this beauty with you.
Raising Emotionally Healthy Children: If you’re a parent that wants parenting support, a good friend of Growing Humankindness, Kirsty Pakes, is offering a free webinar on May 24th on Raising Emotionally Healthy Children. I’ve taken several classes with Kirsty and she’s a gentle, warm and knowledgeable teacher. You can learn more and sign up here.
Diabetes Reversal Summit: On Tuesday, June 4th I’ll be one of eight speakers featured on the Diabetes Reversal Summit. If you want support to manage your blood sugar, reverse diabetes, or to lower your sugar intake, this summit may be for you. I’ll be talking about how to emotionally let go of painful food habits – how the brain prunes out what doesn’t work. You can learn more and sign up here.
Video to help be with cravings and feelings: Joanna and Val have created a delightful video series to help you be with difficult feelings instead of turning to food for a treat. You can watch their video, Ear Squeeze & Inner Listening Practice: For When Cravings Stir, here.