A few days ago, I hosted a webinar about my When Food is Your Mother class, and was asked a question that I hear often:
What do you do when you don’t have anyone you can go to for support? Or what do you do when you have a lot of deficits of connection in your life from early experiences? It is too late for me? I hear you saying that the ultimate answer to overeating and binge eating is connection, but I don’t have many places where I can receive the connection that you’re talking about.
This is a poignant and powerful question – and one that I think so many of us can relate to.
Yes – it’s a bit of a catch 22 – when the answer is connection, but safe, trusted spaces of connection aren’t available – where do you start, or begin? And if your early experiences were particularly difficult, is there hope?
Yes, this is vulnerable and courageous territory!
As this conundrum is so common, I wanted to share my answer with everyone here. I hope it speaks to your heart and reaffirms that it is never too late.
Thanks for sending this, but maybe I’m not understanding the answer. I already have a dog and I have a therapist. I want to know how to connect with people who I can genuinely connect with, who will listen to me without my having to pay them, etc. I’ve been hurt so many times. I want hugs, I want to know that there are people who are glad for me to be, unconditionally.
I feel the same, Tracey. For some of us life is lonely but animals or therapists aren’t enough. I think there’s value in finding some happiness in our solitude, feeling the loneliness we feel, not running from it and seeing that longing for connection for what it is. And we can still look for that close connection, but in the meantime accept our loneliness? Personally I’ve found my connection through other means because it’s not there in my real life. It’s sad but it’s my reality so I desl with it as best I can.
One thing that helps is going for a massage. That close connection is a human need and although it’s some thing you pay for, if you have a good therapist who is a people person, they do actually care and it’s not just payment for a service. Many people in those professions have a genuine caring for people.
Hi Tracey and PC,
You bring up an important point – about the challenge when you hunger for human connection – and connection that isn’t with a helping professional – yet you feel a lot of vulnerability around connecting with others. Yes, it can be so painful and frustrating, to both long for this kind of support and to not have it.
Those first steps take such courage – and a balance of protecting the heart while also softening some of the defenses that were erected to keep us safe.
When I was going through a time when I didn’t feel very safe with people, a support group helped me build my courage to take those steps to risk, reach out, and create new friendships and relationships. With a support group, it’s not a paid relationship, yet it’s a safe place that honors vulnerability.
On an inward level, I find it helpful to move into the heart to feel the yearning there, or your heartfelt desire – in your case, opening to relationships and connection.
I use the practice of yearning when I’m at my wit’s end and don’t know what to do. It’s a cry for help from the heart. We may not know what the path will look like or the steps we will take, but in yearning, but we open the heart to the possibility of guidance and direction and support.
I can’t claim to understand how it works, but there is something powerful about sincerely asking for help, and opening the heart to what we care about and yearn for, and then being willing to be surprised about how we feel led in our lives or what opportunities begin to appear.
May your hearts be held in safety and love as you venture forth.
Hi Karly, I just want to say, your work is amazing, and you really talk sense, I have tried all sorts of 12 step organisations/ diets / etc, and none of which worked long term, or allowed normal living around food
I love hearing your voice, it is so soothing, and your words and wisdom has/ is really helping.
It is not an easy road, food addiction doesn’t disappear over night, rather it’s a gradual healing that comes from within ( i am only speaking for myself)
So thank you for all you do, it is much appreciated
Kind thoughts to you
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
I’m glad this is helpful to you on your journey with food, and that you’re finding something that’s a good fit. It can definitely be a process of trial and error to find an approach that works for you.
I hear a lot of courage and perserverance in your comment, something that I imagine is a helpful companion on your journey!