I receive a lot of very tender, precious emails from women that all say some version of the same thing – Help! Now that I’m being kinder to myself I’m feeling really *really* unmotivated to:
- go to the gym
- to lose the extra weight
- to set any boundary on food
Most women share that they feel frightened by their lack of motivation. They panic and wonder – should I just go back to forcing myself to just “do it?” Does this kindness thing even work?!?! They worry that the only thing that was keeping them motivated was their harsh inner talk and perfectionism.
First, I want to acknowledge this very vulnerable space. When you seem to be going “backwards” – like not caring, gaining weight, anything goes – it’s easy to feel frightened. It’s easy to want to give up and to go back to familiar patterns, like perfectionism.
I want to be honest with you – if you take an inside out approach to healing – one focused on relationship and healing the roots of the problem, and not just going for the quick fix (healing the symptoms) – it may take longer. It may look messier. It may appear that you’re going backwards. (You’re not and it’s absolutely worth it – while that can be a whole post in itself, I’ll just say that healing the symptoms is what creates real, lasting change. I’ll also say that any change done at the expense of our inner worth and dignity – like the whip – creates suffering.)
When you shift out of old habits and patterns, there’s a bit of lag time where it feels very, very messy – think lots of awkward growth! During this time, you’re not only unlearning old habits but you’re also learning new ones. You feel all over the place. Unmoored. You swing from one extreme to the other – from rigid rules and a whip to “who cares” and “anything goes.”
If this scenario describes you, let me reassure you that this is very very normal. In fact, in my experience, everyone goes through it. I would also posit that it’s how we learn. (In my experience, we learn by doing and practicing.)
Your heart and mind is seeking a new level of homeostasis. If we spent a long time at one end of the spectrum – with a lot of self punishment, rigidity and high expectations – then we may veer to the other extreme – no expectations and anything goes – in our attempt to create balance. (True kindness is not anything goes; is not giving up.)
We are living, breathing, dynamic beings. We live our way into balance, and the back and forth is necessary. It’s not proof that there’s anything wrong. It’s proof that you’re learning. The only way you can learn balance is to experiment and to live it. You learn – oh, if I’m too rigid and goal focused and too hard on myself, I feel terrible, no matter how thin I am or what I’m eating. And if I veer too far to the other extreme and let myself do whatever I want I feel all over the place, unmoored, and sick from overindulgence.
Eventually, you’ll find your way to the center – your center – a balance that feels good to you. You find your way by being curious, listening to yourself, laughing at yourself (not taking it too seriously) and by being compassionate with yourself. These tools create the safety you need to grow. Like a child who relies on a parent to be there for them if they fall when they’re learning to walk, your kindness, love and compassion creates the safety you need to try, mess up and try again.
As you walk this path of healing from the inside out, it may help to reflect on the different aspects – and qualities – of love. When we usually think of love, we think about the soft and sweet versions, and not its power or strength. This reminds me of a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. –
Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic.
Love can be fierce, like a mother’s protective love, it can be firm, like a sword, it can be authoritative and strong, setting boundaries. It can be tender and soft and sweet. It can be passionate and fiery and intense. Love has many flavors.
You want to include all these aspects of love in your life – a mix that is large enough for every flavor. In the same way that a loving parent can express love in 40 different ways with a beloved child – saying no, offering a hug, wrestling or playing rough, drying tears, fixing a meal, reading a story, and even forcefully grabbing a shoulder when they get to close to the street – you will express your love for yourself in a multitude of forms, shapes and sizes.
Some of these may not look like “love” because there’s structure, discipline, or firmness involved. And yet those too are love.
As you let this idea sink in, I’d like to offer a few gentle suggestions:
- Trust the process. Rilke says not to look for answers but to live our way into them. I’ve found this to be true in my experience, too. Trust yourself to find the balance that works for you. It’s a process and a practice, something to live, not something to arrive at.
- Tap into your values. Recognize that something will arise to take the place of fear. When we’re using a whip, self judgment or criticism to motivate ourselves, we’re using fear as our motivation for change. When we soften these approaches and rely instead on kindness as our motivation, we’re tapping into love. This doesn’t mean that you won’t ever feel afraid or anxious if you practice love. On the contrary, in my experience, anything worth doing brings some nervousness or fear. It does mean that your primary reason for doing something good for yourself – whether it’s eating regular meals or exercising – will arise from somewhere deeper, from those aspects of love that are most important to you. This is the kind of motivation that produces results, because it is bone, soul deep.
- Structure is your friend. When we move away from punishment, we start to think that all goals, all structure, and all discipline is “bad.” We need to balance structure and discipline (what I call loving boundaries) with kindness and self compassion.
- Add to. You “add to” to soften – it’s not about eliminating something all together. If you’ve historically been too harsh on yourself, you add in compassion to soften it. You still might be more of a type A person, but your drive will be tempered by your compassion and much more balanced – less prone to cause you suffering.
Hi Karly,
your post has brought tears to my eyes, thank you so much for posting it, it came during the perfect time…
“For example, if you grew up in a very strict house with an excess of discipline and control, you may feel aversive towards any structure to you its like going to the dark side, and has nothing to do with love. So for you, healing may mean integrating some loving structure into your life healing this belief that says, All structure causes harm. (By the way, I see this example over and over in women who deal with binge or overeating ..) We heal these old wounds and tapes so that we can move forward and integrate positive structure into our lives structure that serves rather than hurts us without all the attached baggage of, But its so wrong! Its how we practice unconditional love loving all parts of life, all parts of ourselves, all our needs, and all our polarity (our opposing needs or parts.)”
THANK YOU for writting this passage. It inspires me so much. It is like I am suddenly seing things in a new light, like something clik inside of me…
I grew up in a very, very strict household. I am very sensitive to “traditional” thinking, although I have to admit I am very strict my self (with my own self, but my own self keeps on running away from me. I am too strict.).
Based on my eperience
“Structure is your friend” – this is something I learned from you during Untangled – I don’t remember which lesson it was, but at the time I just couldn’t grasp the concept. I didn’t know how to set my boundaries and find freedom in them.
In the last month or so while working through my binge eating issues, I decided that “snacking” was just too overwhelming for me. Having a snack in between meals opened a world of opportunity to binge several times a day. I made the decision to keep my eating to 4 small-ish meals per day with no in-between-meal snacks. This has helped in more ways than I could have ever imagined! By putting my food in this structure, I feel like I’m not thinking about food all day long and now I understand what you mean when you say there is freedom in limits. I never thought that giving myself limits could feel so kind!
Thanks Karly – I appreciate you!
Jill ?
Karly, your response to Elsa is so beautiful! I love the idea of reclaiming those parts of myself that I shunned through the process of “growing” up. I now feel that the “growing” in “growing up” is really that point where we say, wait, there is more to me than this, where is it and how can I love it home? How can I embrace my parts with an open and accepting heart and mind? What value do these parts have? At one point I felt that there was no value to the ugly and mean and critical parts of myself, aside from punishment, but after reading your response, I can now see that shunning even a small part of myself, no matter how messy or sloppy, or unkind is like cutting off a limb or cutting my skin to watch it bleed, over and over and over again. Just writing that feels like practicing death. Grim.
Instead, I now embrace the concept that you wrote of above, that of practicing love over and over again, with kindness and attentiveness and humor. Karly, your dedication to helping people heal from sugar addiction and binge eating is so much about practicing to love oneself better, however, in my experience, your words apply to every struggle in life because in reality, isn’t everything just practice? All of life is just practice, not to reach perfection, as you lovingly point out so often, but to become just one iota better at that which we practice. Your words have helped me to see that even this learning to love and accept my many parts is possible with gentle awareness and practice in loving myself, over and over and over again. That feels good. Thank you, many times over, for giving so much of yourself, Karly. Your pain has helped to heal so many and I am one of them. In gratitude, Esther
Karly, thank you so much for writing this post. It could not have come at a better time for me! This past Monday I came to a sort of revelation where I realized that I was doing far too much for others and now was the time to focus on what I need to do in my life which was very freeing and yet left me feeling very vulnerable if that makes sense. In the few days since I’ve been eating more food than I should because I’ve felt so vulnerable. When I was younger, I had always turned to food to comfort me and be like a friend to me and now I recognize I’m doing the same thing now. That is how I’ve always shown love to myself was through food. But I now know that what I REALLY wanted was just to not feel so responsible for others and be allowed to do the things I want to do. I’m so happy to have realized this so I can take proactive steps forward.
After reading this article I realized that I shouldn’t beat myself up for eating a bit extra the past few days, that it’s all part of the healing process. Maybe, as you said, I needed to eat more to realize this sort of behavior and now I can really hone in on alternate ways of showing myself love, like making time to do yoga, going for a walk, or taking a long bath. Thank you so much for all that you do- I discovered you through Jimmy Moore’s podcast and I know that all your posts here will really help me on my journey to loving myself through the weight loss process 🙂
(sorry I click the post button by mistake, I apologize!)
Based on my experience, love to me feels like anything but fear. Fearless to express your feelings, to hug, to listen without judment; fearless to have a relationship with someone without having to spell out advice all the time or trying to find an answer to everything for the other person. Fealess to enjoy the moment with someone else without having to dominate all the time with sermons or alert evey three minutes about something that YOU fear might happen; fearless to letting every bit of yourself be, even if it is not perfect.
I know it sounds very idealistic. This is going to be a topic to think about a lot before I go to bed.
Thanks again Karly!!!
Esther,
I'm guessing you might like this quote, as it speaks to your comment –
To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before. – Rollo May
XO, Karly
And here's another one for you, from John O' Donohue. This one really speaks to me:
"Belonging is a circle that embraces everything; if we reject it, we damage our nature."
(Can you tell I love quotes? 🙂
Jill,
I feel happy that boundaries are giving you a sense of freedom! It's quite a paradox, isn't it?
It sounds like you are honoring your limits and giving yourself what you need to thrive. I feel so proud of you and I celebrate your growth.
*Love this* Jill –
I never thought that giving myself limits could feel so kind!
Yes, yes, yes!!
Cheering you on, Karly
Dear, dear Esther,
I love this: "…your words apply to every struggle in life because in reality, isnt everything just practice?"
Yes! Sugar/food/body image is the arena, the setting in which I practice self love, healing, forgiveness, growth, maturation, and more. But any setting works. There are a multitude of them.
And working in one arena can seep into another, because we're changing ourselves, which affects how we relate to everything….
I think the key is to be willing to grow, to be in the arena – the hot seat – to use it to open your heart, to return to love.
I feel happy and inspired to share the journey with you.
I bow to you, to all of you! Karly