Core emotions that can feed overeating

Like an iceberg, what drives overeating lies below the surface.

Overeating is often an attempt to feel safe and connected in the face of isolation, fear, overwhelm, or pain that feels too much to bear. When our nervous systems feel overwhelmed and we don’t know where to turn for holding, food can become a substitute refuge.

Turning to food for comfort has intelligence and wisdom in it: it’s our nervous systems’ attempt to meet a need and preserve our functioning.

Our nervous systems are ‘always seeking the most nourishing relationships that they can imagine,’ as neuroscientist Stephen Porges says. Sometimes the most nourishing relationship we can imagine is a packet of crisps, a slice of cake, or a bowl of pasta.

Fortunately, the ‘most nourishing relationship that we can imagine’ can change as we heal. In my experience, overeating isn’t ‘fixed’ or ‘overcome’ but falls away as the underlying trauma gets the support it needs to heal.

This is as unfolding process, and needs safety, warm, loving support, and time.

During this process, it helps to have an understanding about some of the key emotions that drive overeating. This helps us bring curiosity and compassion – rather than moral judgment – to our patterns so we can be a helpful ally.

Here are five common emotions that drive overeating. For each, I’ll describe the need and primary emotion that drives the overeating as well as tools and practices to help.

Elevated alarm

This is eating to soothe the build up of anxiety/alarm, fear, inner tension, or stress in the nervous system. In this instance, overeating is almost like a panic attack. (Read more here about how a binge is a cry for connection and a cry for help.) When you finally eat the food fix, you’ve “had” it. The anxiety has reached its breaking point, and you turn to food to cope.

The metaphor I use is that of a tea kettle that reaches a boil. The kettle boils, the whistle blows, and the steam and pressure finally releases. In this instance, when you binge or overeat, you often feel better because you’ve lowered the anxiety and stress.

Often, underneath overeating we find undigested grief, loss, fear or trauma. These experiences may still be living in the nervous system, and can drive this build up of alarm that seeks relief in food.

In the work of the Grief Recovery Institute, they call things like overeating “short term energy releasing behaviors,” because in the short term, they release the pressure and build up of painful emotions – even though they don’t provide relief over the long term.

Here’s what can help:

1. When you’re in the intense space of wanting to binge, you may need support to ride the storm of emotion. I find the damage control tool from EBT, emotional brain training, very helpful in lowering the build up of stress. You can also sign up for the free Binge Rescue worksheet here.

2. Move the anxiety, overarousal, and inner tension. Anything involving movement or rhythmic activity can help drain some of this build of alarm – exercise, walking, yoga, a bath, going outside, meditation, knitting, being in water, and more.

3. Drain the build up of emotion underneath. The ultimate resolution for alarm driven overeating is to drain the alarm, fear, grief, and other stored up emotions. Emotional support is often very helpful, whether that’s found in loved ones, friends, or a therapist.

Comfort eating

Comfort eating is eating to nurture, soothe, comfort, nourish or care for unmet needs or feelings. We may bury our true needs for belonging, love, acceptance, comfort, and companionship, telling ourselves we can survive without them. Or we may feel too vulnerable to express our needs honestly.

We may be so used to caring for others that we feel guilty or afraid in caring for our own needs. We minimize our own needs as we overextend ourselves and take on the needs of others.

We may comfort ourselves with food when we’re grieving; when we’re feeling sad that our needs aren’t acknowledged, met or understood. We may eat to soothe our disappointment over life’s no’s.

All of these things are examples of using food to care for relational and emotional hunger – what we’re meant to find in loving relationship.  (I talk more about relational hunger here.)

How to help:

1. For many of us, acknowledging and caring for our unmet needs is a practice. Our needs can feel frightening and overwhelming, and they can also bring up strong feelings of shame. It helps to start with a small need that doesn’t bring up as much fear, to practice noticing it, and honoring it.

2. Regular, rhythmic self care helps you feel capable, strong, nourished, vital and whole. It tells you, “I have what I need.” This base of support allows you to care for yourself with greater honesty and attention.

3. Connect, connect, connect. The ultimate resolution for emotional and relational hunger is relationship – loving connection. Connect with a friend or loved one, connection with source or spirit through a spiritual practice, or connect deeply with yourself and with your experience.

Numbing out 

In this case, we either can’t or don’t want to feel our feelings. This is because it feels too vulnerable to touch our feelings – we may feel afraid that we can’t handle our feelings; we may numb from our feelings because it triggers deep grief (all the things we wish were different), or we may suppress our feelings because we don’t want to feel the pain when they aren’t acknowledged by others.

When the vulnerability becomes too much to bear, the brain moves into self protection mode. We don’t even allow ourselves to feel our feelings or to have needs – it feels too scary to have them and then feel the void when they’re not filled.

Many of us learned to disassociate from our feelings and needs from a very early age. If, as children, our needs were minimized (“It’s not so bad”), suppressed, edited (“You can’t be hungry – you just ate lunch two hours ago!”), or denied, we learn to eventually stop needing. We learn to turn them off.

How to help:

1. Safety is crucial. Create physical safety with regular, rhythmic self-care.

2. We can’t force ourselves to feel. But we can offer ourselves compassion and understanding.

3. Find a compassionate witness. Whether it’s a support group, a friend, a loved one, or counselor, we all need someone to listen to our hurts and to offer warmth and care.

Frustration

In an average day, there are many things that go wrong – the dishwasher breaks, the bill’s overdue, or the traffic’s stalled – not to mention the larger frustrations of life.

The most frustrating thing we experience is being thwarted when we’re seeking connection, or being thwarted from something we yearn for.

According to developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, when too many things aren’t working in our lives, the frustration and pain can build inside our bodies and become “foul.” Because foul frustration has a lot of energy and intensity to it, and because it has to move, unprocessed foul frustration will seek two outlets:  either we attack others, or we attack ourselves.

Bingeing or overeating can be a form of attack – eating the frustration we feel towards ourselves or eating the frustration we feel about our lives. When you’re in this energetic space, eating has a feel of punishment to it.

You may be calling yourself names or telling yourself things like, “I’m such a screwed up mess.”

How to help:

1. Change what you can change. Can you lower the frustration in some way?

2. If you can’t change the situation, move to these alternatives. First, as frustration is an intense emotion, your first priority is to ride the wave of the intensity without bingeing – not to explore the deep source of the frustration. The damage control tool from EBT, emotional brain training, is also helpful in this case.

3. When the intensity lowers, move to inquiry. Acknowledge your frustration. We’re very quick to say, “It’s all good.” Or, “I’m okay,” when we’re honestly seething inside. Give yourself time and space to move the emotions out of you. Consider venting on a piece of paper, I’m frustrated about…. and let yourself write down all the things that are frustrating you.

4. Move the energy. Go for a bike ride, a brisk walk, a run, punch a punching bag, let yourself shout into a pillow, or throw rocks into a pond.

5. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself feel the sorrow of, “This isn’t working and I don’t like it.” If it helps, cry your tears of frustration. Reaching this point of acceptance helps us move forward and find ways to cope with what we don’t like.

When it’s a mix

While I’ve separated out these emotions for the sake of the article, in truth, there’s often a mix of emotions driving the overeating – frustration, alarm and shame, for example, very commonly go together.

Over time, you may start to notice when certain emotions are present and how they drive the process.

We all need places where we can be heard and held, and receive loving support. This is what helps us hold these emotions so we’re not bearing them on our own – and so they don’t seek care in food.