The ‘No’ on the way to ‘Yes’
This month I’ve been leading a wonderful group through a new course, Align: Heal the Battle with Your Inner Rebel. I wanted to share what we’ve been discovering in the course. It can be very helpful in supporting the new desires for growth and change – the internal ‘yesses’ – that are arising in you.
In the class we’ve been opening to the vulnerability that lives underneath the part of us that feels resistant and says no.
We often find surprises when we approach this part of ourselves with warmth, interest and curiosity.
For often what feels like resistance isn’t resistance at all.
The tenderness under resistance
It may be a part of us that feels young and shy, unsure or nervous about venturing forth.
It may be a part of us that feels scared and overwhelmed or unsure of what to do.
It may be a part of us that feels scared to grow, or scared to reveal itself, or scared to hope that change is possible. It longs, more than anything, to trust and to have faith in the tendril of new life that’s emerging out of the soil.
The top layer of feeling
But our feelings and longings don’t come out that way. They first come out as anger, resistance, and feelings of “you can’t make me” and “I don’t want to.”
The inner rebel has much to say! It may take up a lot of space, and express itself strongly. It can feel like an overpowering and maddening part of ourselves.
The fear under resistance
But when we come closer to the resistance, we can see, “Oh, there’s fear under there.” The inner rebel acts so aggressively and protectively because it feels afraid.
We feel afraid that we have to do it perfectly and get it right.
Or we feel afraid of letting ourselves or others down.
Or we feel afraid that we aren’t enough, that we can’t do it.
These layers of fear can spin and spin until we feel like Chicken Little: “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!”
The longing under the fear
But the fear is not all there is. Underneath feelings of fear we find something precious: our longings, hopes and dreams – the things we most long to share and manifest in the world.
It may be a longing for something more ephemeral – things like love, kindness, justice, compassion, patience, or courage.
Or it might be a desire for something more tangible – like a book, poem, song, new business, or new career that we long to express, share and give.
It might be a longing to be more authentic – to express more of the vastness of who we are.
But no matter the form, something is trying to come through us.
The valley of fear and contraction
We may not see it as such – because first it travels through this valley of fear – all the concerns and worries we have that we can’t do it, that it won’t happen, or that we’ll fail – and the valley of contraction – the resistance and no’s that arise as a form of self protection.
But what if the inner rebel’s resistance and forcefulness is simply a measure of the depth of our caring – how much this matters to us – and not a character flaw?
In other words, perhaps we feel such strong resistance because of the depth of protectiveness and care we feel for the new life that’s trying to emerge?
It’s something we care about so deeply. And so of course strong feelings arise in an attempt to safeguard and shelter that longing.
So on the way to yes, first we move through a forcefield of no. And as Robert Frost said, the only way out is through.
The doorway to wholeness
As we go through, the inner rebel becomes a doorway to wholeness and to ‘the deeper story’ – the story that is more compassionate and true than the ‘surface story.’
The surface story may tell our story this way – that we have this problem of getting stuck, of having too much resistance; that we’re too afraid; that we’ll never change; that the fear is too great.
But the deeper story says this: look to the longing. Look to the new life that’s sprouting, emerging in you. Look to the tender buds of spring, and trust their unfolding.
You don’t have to fight the resistance, make it wrong, or work so hard.
Simply bring them water, nourish the soil, and hold them in the light.
Your rebellious parts are necessary and on purpose
When we understand the internal parts of us, then we can step back and relate differently to the resistance that’s arising as our inner rebel.
In the video excerpt here from my webinar about the Align: Heal the Battle with Your Inner Rebel course, I speak to the core developmental purpose of our inner rebel.
Watch the video and listen to my analogy of the mama bear and her cub.
There’s a protective energy that arises as your inner rebel and it’s important and useful. “I’m here to take good care of you,” it says. And we need that care taker!
So ’healing the battle’ is not about meeting the inner rebel head on with force, trying to hammer into it. I explain the alternative in this video.
A lot of us think of those parts of us that resist change or growth as an enemy, something we’d really like to eradicate. But wait.
What if we instead embrace it as a friend that we have not yet shown love towards? Your inner rebel actually serves an important purpose developmentally. And the developmental purpose is meant to support our individuation into our own separate, unique, viable beings….
What’s at the Root of the Inner Rebel?
What's at the root of your inner rebel?
That was a question that came up in a webinar about my course Align: Heal the Battle with Your Inner Rebel. I'd like to share my answer here, and some more thoughts on this part of ourselves.
The answer about what's at the root varies by person. For some it might be about protecting feelings of vulnerability.
This is how one person described it -
My inner rebel has been cropping up for me and really stopping me from doing things I want to do for myself as a protector."
Yes - the inner rebel can be a protector part!
For others, the root of the inner rebel might be anger at ways that power has been wielded over you in your life.
For another person, it might be fear - for example, the fear of moving forward and being your own person.
No matter the root, we begin to relate differently to the inner rebel when we go behind the top level of behavior and the feelings themselves to embrace and be with the vulnerability that's underneath.
This befriending can allow the hard-to-change, resistant behavior that's up on the surface to become a little more workable, a little bit softer.
You can learn more by watching the video.
Because the inner rebel can bring up so many strong reactions and feelings, it's easy to think this part of ourselves is bad or wrong - and to go to war with it.
But the fact that the inner rebel or opposition arises doesn't have to be wrong or a problem. From another perspective, it can be an opportunity for intimacy and relationship with these 'outcast' parts of ourselves.
These kinds of Q&A sessions and webinars are an integral part of my courses, and folks find them greatly helpful.
If this kind of learning format is a good fit for you, and this topic speaks to your heart, you may consider joining me for Align: Heal the Battle with Your Inner Rebel.
The last day to register is Friday, February 22nd.
3 Ways to Meet Your Inner Rebel
The inner rebel can be such a frustrating part of ourselves! It's easy to get discouraged, to give up, or to try and use force to just 'push through.'
None of these feel very good, and none of them work.
When we're working with the inner rebel, there are three qualities that do help: humor, patience, and trust.
Humor brings levity and softens anxiety. Patience brings compassion for when we get stuck, and for all the tenderness that lives under the inner rebel.
And trust reminds us that we're on a journey - and that it's taking us somewhere.
Whew - nothing's wrong when the inner rebel arises. And the journey itself has meaning and purpose!
This clip is an excerpt from my webinar, Heal the Battle with Your Inner Rebel. It's a preview of my upcoming class, Align: Heal the Battle with Your Inner Rebel.
The warm embrace of resistance
Resistance can get such a bad reputation! It’s often seen as something to just ‘push through’ and ‘get over.’
I think this understanding arises partly from our culture. Earlier today I was listening to an On Being interview, and heard a psychologist describe Western culture as ‘a mastery oriented culture.’ We really like to fix things, to find solutions to problems, and to be in control!
Problem solving and mastery are great for building bridges or performing surgery. Not necessarily so for the human heart.
Why fixing is not a solution
The challenge with a mastery mindset is we can apply it to things that don’t need fixing – like our own being.
When we approach ourselves with a ‘fixing’ mindset, our humanity – and all its inherent contradictions, messiness, and vulnerability – becomes something to master and control.
Things that seem to ‘get in the way’ – like emotions, resistance, and inner conflict – are approached as problems to hack or fix. We want a solution, process, or tool to get rid of them!
Ouch – it’s really painful to approach ourselves this way.
Embracing vs. problem solving
I think being human means to practice love – to embrace and care for these things that we’re trying so hard to erase and overcome.
For we are a part of this living, dying, ever changing world – and this includes our inner world. In our own inner ecology, like the ecology of our mother earth, there are many different species and life forms trying to co-habitate together.
Trying to eradicate our messy, painful and difficult parts – like our inner rebel – can be a form of ecological genocide – where we decide which parts of ourselves can stay, and which parts need to be eradicated.
And trying to force, push and overcome these parts of ourselves separates us from our own inner life, from each other, and from our inherent beingness.
Being with
The inner rebel – like all our challenging parts – is, at its root, an invitation to connect – to deepen into our inner ecology, not go to war against it.
When we shift out of a control mindset, the heart turns. We turn away from fixing, away from attempts to control, and turn towards these places that scare and frustrate us.
We choose to stay, to relate, to wonder, and to be with.
In this being with, we find wisdom. We lean closer. We listen to what resistance, the inner rebel, all these inner nos are saying – and we become curious about what they’re pointing to.
Yes, this takes courage.
We have to be willing to dive, to go under, to go behind, to go underneath – to tenderly and warmly invite what lives underneath resistance, to invite it to come forth.
But, oh the reward: a deeper intimacy with ourselves, with being human, and with all of life. We can start to see these species that stay more hidden; we can see and touch and taste our soft underbellies.
Rather than going to war against our resistance, against our softness, against these species we don’t like, our inner landscapes become more vibrant, rich, authentic, and full.
And from this place we have a better chance of embodying our natural power, sovereignty, and wisdom – to steer and steward our lives.
Caring for the vulnerability that lives under the inner rebel
One of my all time favorite movies is The Color Purple. There’s a well known line from the film that says: “Everything just wants to be loved.”
Last week, in my free webinar on healing the battle with the inner rebel, I thought about this line when we spoke about how we can embrace and love our inner rebel.
It was really moving to spend time together in a collective space of softening, in a field of love. I think we all came away feeling more understood and less afraid – ah, yes, we all have these inner rebel parts! It’s really okay!
The protective function
One of the things that softens fear is understanding.
When we come closer to the inner rebel, and ‘listen with the ears of the heart,’ we open to this understanding. We often find that the inner rebel is not what we think it is at first glance.
The inner rebel is not intentionally trying to make your life difficult. It’s often a protector part – meaning, it’s a cover that protects and cares for the vulnerability that lives underneath.
Sometimes the inner rebel is protecting our hunger for emotional nourishment – and the ways we use food to meet this need. This need can come up strongly on holidays like Valentine’s Day.
When food is a primary source of nurturing, it makes sense that we may feel protective of it – especially if we feel like it’s going away!
The inner rebel flares up when this protection feels threatened – when you try to set limits or stop using food for emotional nourishment.
It’s trying to protect the tender vulnerability that lives underneath.
Our hearts are so tender – and also so strong. Like every other part of us, they thrive with nourishment, attention and care.
Embracing your inner rebel – forgiving this part of you for its resistance, defiance, opposition, and strong “Nos!” – is one way to heal this pattern – to care for your heart, and to meet your true longing for nourishment.
The second step is an action step – moving forward and taking action in a way that truly meets your longing for presence, love and care. For myself, this morning I sought out connection by doing my Remembrance practice, reaching out to a loved one, and connecting with two dear friends by email.
Ah – some of the loneliness I had woken up with this morning felt more sated and filled.
Every time we touch our vulnerability – including the vulnerability of the inner rebel – and offer it room, presence, care, warmth and witnessing, our true hungers become more filled, and our protector parts – like the inner rebel – can soften their strong stance.
And every time we take action to care for our needs, we fill up with the nourishment that we’re truly longing for.
I sometimes think if the inner rebel had a voice, it would say things like, “I really need you to hear me, and to hear how much this means to me!”
And, “I feel really scared! Don’t hurt me!”
And, “Please – let me know it’s safe. Let me know I can show my needs and feelings.”
And, “No, stop that!”
All of these are important and powerful and needed messages.
Here in this month of February and Valentine’s day, I wish your inner rebel warmth and space, lots and lots of room, and lots of care for the vulnerability that lives underneath.
As Nayyirah Waheed said so eloquently, “your heart is the softest place on earth. take care of it.”
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